Joke of the day (new thread)

[Rosso]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent that is being remodeled. The last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. ? "Blind man, " replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

Hello!

Rosso.

[MickSA]

Good, Bad and the Ugly



1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 12 yr. old daughter borrowed them.


6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


8. Good: The postman is early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.


10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

[Araby_Dog]

Understanding Women

What Women Say The True Meaning
No = No
Yes = No
Maybe = No
You Want = You Want
We Need = I Want
Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for it later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset you moron
You're.....so manly = You need to shave and you sweat a lot
I'm not emotional and I'm not overreacting!! = I'm on my period
Be romantic, turn the lights off = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains And carpeting and Furniture and.....
I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = No, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = You go downstairs and get killed first
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something very expensive
How much do you love me = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick of your shoes and find a good game on TV
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, your dead)
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I'm yelling because this is important to me
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him around until he goes back to sleep
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

[Araby_Dog]

Man Quiz

1. In the company of femin-nazis, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss the Broncos game

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call up the rest of the guys. Let's go Fish'n.

[jaybee]

NO JOKE
question guys..how come a new thread was started..was hoping to see if we could keep up with brian 66 and ozdevil..they are up to 16 pages now..and really worth while reading..I am at the stage after reading their posts i wanna move to SA or TASSIE...i can put up with closures for better bag limits
cheers.

[Rosso]

NO JOKE
question guys..how come a new thread was started...

I started the new thread simply because i thought it would be easier then wading through 12 pages of the old one...

Correct me if I'm wrong but no-one really reads posts over, say, 2 pages... The jokes and whatnot are good, but i think the new thread was needed.

*shrugs*

Rosso.

[mick]