Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[DaneCross]

True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........

And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

[MTpockets]

A man moved to a new house. He thought he would get to know the locals and went to the pub near his home. He went in and sat at a stool and asked for a drink. In front of him was a jar of 10 cent coins, with a sign saying correct guess wins you the jar!!!
After about 10 beers he told the barman he was on his way home and the barman said seeing he was such a good customer he could have a free guess at the jar. The man had been thinking about an amount all night and replied with 206 dollars. The barman stood amazed and said, THAT"S CORRECT !!
How did you know how much was in there? The man said just a lucky guess, grabbed his jar of coins and staggered out and walked home.
As he walked up the front stairs of his house he tripped and the jar crashed to the patio and scattered the 2006 coins all over the place. He decided he would pick it up in the morning. He crept into the bedroom and without waking his wife went to sleep. Early next morning his wife came in all excited to wake him up yelling JOHN,JOHN..... You wont guess whats all over our patio?.... John opens his eyes and says calmly, Yeah I know..... 206 dollars in 10 cent coins......
NO!! she said.....
There is 200 liters of MILK !!!!

[reelcrazy]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

[You're going to hate me for this]




















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"

[Wello_Pete]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around The room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, Eating.
Marty asks," Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave Yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

[zedjack33]

All very amusing Guys

[Kerry]

A worldwide survey was recently conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

[Brenno]

keep em comeing.

[el_carpo]

I was just browsing my local fishing site and saw these. I thought you may like them so I copied them. It's called "Snappy answers."

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family! . She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

Snappy Answer #5
(THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR) A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-butt guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her ! blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

[MTpockets]

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[baldyhead]

Little Johnny's next-door neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before goin to the neighbours.
He said, "Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to slap your arse when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at the baby's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replied, "Why, yes.... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said,
"Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be buggered if he needed to
wear glasses!"

[Nugget]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

[blaze]

couldnt remember a joke told to me 10 minutes ago, and couldnt tell a joke if my life depended on it, but it sure puts a smile on my dial reading them
keep em coming
cheers
blaze

[Commodore]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there,
If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for
our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds,"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word. After few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
That you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

[DaneCross]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"

[MTpockets]

Theres a young fella walking along Bondi beach and see's something shiny in the sand. In the sand was a lamp. He picks it up and POOF!! out comes a Genie. The Genie thanks him for releasing him from the bottle and offers the man one wish. The man asks why not 3 like all other Genie's. The Genie replies that due to the length of time in the bottle his powers were failing so one more wish could be all he has left.

The Genie tells him not to bother with stuff like a million dollars cos thats impossible, and stuff like all the gold in the world, cos its also impossible. He says make a wish for something constructive.

The man thinks long and hard and finally comes up with the perfect wish. Genie I wish for a bridge to span from here over the ocean to Auckland. You see my family are all living in Auckland, and I have a fear of flying and a fear of boats. The Genies shakes his head and says thats impossible as well. Just think of all the concrete, steel, electrical cables, bitumen, lights, road signs and pylons. No sorry, that is impossible as well, make another wish.

Again the man thinks long and hard and eventually makes a wish .....
I want to be able to understand women. The Genie thinks long and hard and replys with.........

Did you want 2 or 4 lanes on your bridge?