Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[BGG]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[tropicrows]

Two blonde girls were working for the city council public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it _ why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[reidy]

woman is driving down the road, a man driving past screams out fat cow,woman replys bald ########.She drives around a corner and hits a cow.Moral women just dont listen.
Cheers
Reidy

[Omskdapomski]

Just as a young man puts a large salmon, he's taken illegally from the river, into the boot of his car, a ranger comes up and tries to arrest him for illegally fishing.
The young fellow explains that he didn't catch the salmon, it's his pet salmon that he brings down everyday to the water to have a swim, and then takes him back home to his tank after his swim.
The ranger is pretty sceptical about the whole thing but the young fellow offers to show the official how he's trained the salmon and together they go down to the water, the young fellow tenderly places his fish into the water, where it swims off into the reeds.
They both stand there a few minutes and then the ranger turns and says, "so how long before he comes back?"
And the young fellow says, "until who comes back?"

[Chimo]

It all makes sense...Banking explained



Linda is the proprietor of a bar in Cork. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Linda's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Linda increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Linda's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Linda's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Linda cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Linda's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties (and vested interests).

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation we can all understand...

[BGG]

Hypnosis
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.

All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[sparkyice]

should the Department of Aging have


" D.O.A. "


printed on it's official leterhead?

[Tezza@Tannum]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[danryan75]

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on

'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took five minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[charleville]

GOD BLESS THE IRISH




The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkoz y sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'







.

[Chimo]

The Bunny and the Snake


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I
don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,
and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management or a politician.'

[dreemon]

How do you get an 87 year old lady to say th " F " Word ?


Have anouther 87 yr old lady yell out BINGO !

[coucho]

How to go camping with your mates Aussie style

Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Mick left to go back home to the missus.
Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."

" SO HERE I AM"

[BGG]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where Skillful hands would be beneficial; He decided
to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[*Pokey*]

Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when shemarried she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'