Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[GES]

Postman Pats' Retirement

Postman Pat got out of bed on a beautiful sunny morning. He thought to himself "Well, this is my last day of work. After thirty five years of delivering the mail, I am going to retire."

He put on his postmans' uniform for the last time, fed his black and white cat, and, as he was running a little late, he only had time for a quick cup of coffee, then climbed into his little red postmans van and off he went to work for the very last time.

He turned into the first street and as he pulled up at the front door to deliver the mail, the occupant came out, gave him a hug and a cheque for fifty pounds to thank him for his thirty five years of service.

Pat went on to the second house where he was presented with a gold watch and the gratitude of the householders for his service.

On he went to the third house where he was given a bottle of fifteen year old malt scotch whiskey and a pat on the back with the extreme gratitude of the householders.

As Pat drove up to the fourth house he saw a delicious blonde woman standing at the front gate waiting for him. She was dressed in her skimpiest negligee and as Pat got out of his little van she took him by the arm, escorted him into the house and upstairs to her bedroom where she blew his mind with her passion.

When Pat was entirley satisfied she took him downstairs to her kitchen where she served him a wonderful breakfast of eggs, ham, tomato and freshly squeezed orange juice. She then gave him a cup of coffee made just how he liked it.

At the end of the meal he noticed that there was a five pound note sticking out from under the saucer.

He said to the woman "Thank you very much. That was a truely memorable experience. But, what is the five pounds for?"

She said " Well, I spoke to my husband last night and I told him that this was your last day at work Pat and that we should do something for you to show our appreciation of your thirty five years of devoted service to us.
I asked him what he thought we should give you and he said " Screw him.... Give him five pounds. And, she said shyly, the breakfast was my idea."

GES

[mowerman]

greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . ...

Rod

[tinman42]

"The only true wilderness is between a greenies ears!"

[STUIE63]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']The Tunnel[/FONT]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again. [/FONT]

[Xahn1960]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
employees".


The cannibals promised they would not.


Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"


The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".


After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"


A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers
and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to
go and eat someone important!!!!"

[BGG]

Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out
on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I
found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and
the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last
two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an #######!' and hung
up.

I wrote his number down with the word '#######' next to it,and put it in my desk
drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call
him up and yell, 'You're an #######!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic '#######' calling would
have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an #######!' and hung
up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy
in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit
the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ! 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ####### (I had his number on
speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW #######,too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and the car's parked right
out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an #######!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two #######s to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called ####### #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an #######!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, '#######, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . I have a black Beamer
parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your
prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######,' and hung up.

Then I called ####### #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, #######,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, #######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way home to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two #######s beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a
news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[akman1]

might have to try that one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :cool:

[Chimo]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"Hey, I know of a great new act for your circus. A talking duck!
He talks, drinks beer and, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I have the perfect job for you, paying really good money."

”Really!”, says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"Yep," replies the barman.

"That place with the big tent?" asks the duck.

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Yep," the barman replies.

"With the canvas tent and the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …………………

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!">

[STUIE63]

ECONOMIC uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last few days Tokyo's Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Investments announced plans to cut branches. Yesterday it was reported that Karaoke City Bank is up for sale and likely to go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze nosedived. Yokohama-based Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore 540 staff at Nagasaki's Karate Bank got the chop and financial analysts suspect that something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff will get a raw deal.

[charleville]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'


'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'


'1955, ma'am.'


'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'


The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'


(Gotta love military time!)






.

[charleville]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.







.

[charleville]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'



He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'






.

[maztez]

your a sick puppy Charly

[FISHNICK]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he
said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd
shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[FISHNICK]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'egg again! If I get an egg sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the egg sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me.... The idiot packed his own lunch.'