Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[charleville]

A guy is hitchhiking one dark and stormy night in the middle of nowhere. Lashing rain, miserable and tired, he has been standing on a small lonely road for ages.

Then, out of dark comes a car, silently and slowly. It has no lights on and stops beside him. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, he opens passenger door and jumps in, just glad to be out of the elements.

As the car moves off, he notices that there is no one else in the car. He is worried to say the least! He gets more worried when the car comes to a corner and there is a sheer drop. Just as he is beginning to panic, a hand appears from the drivers side and grabs the steering wheel and turns it. The car safely navigates the corner, and the hand disappears.

The guy doesn't know what to make of this ghost car and the spooky hand, but its a lift and the weather is dire. Soon after, the car comes to another corner and there is a stone wall ahead. Again, at the last minute, the hand appears and steers the car safely around it.


The guy can stand no more close calls, and at the next safe straight section, he opens the door and jumps out. He legs it off into the night and doesnt stop running until he comes to a small town. He races into the bar and orders a double brandy to steady his nerves. The barman asks whats wrong, and the guy tells the story of the ghost car appearing from the dark, and the spooky hand that steers it. A crowd gathers about the guy as he tells his supernatural tale, and no one notices as two more men enter the pub.


"Look Mick," says one, "there is the ungrateful bastard that got into the car while we were trying to push start it!"






.

[Chimo]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five lapsshe climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in MurrayBridge, but I worked both sides of the River Murray!!!

[Fatenhappy]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. YoungBill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the Reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bitof a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[PinHead]

HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZULLANDER
READ THESE ALOUD
• Milburn – capital of Victoria
• Peck – to fill a suitcase
• Pissed aside – chemical which kills insects
• Pigs – for hanging out washing with
• Pug – large pink animal with a curly tail
• Nin tin dough – computer game
• Munner stroney – soup
• Min – male of the species
• Mess Kara – eye makeup
• McKennock – person who fixes cars
• Mere – Mayor
• Leather – foam produced from soap
• Lift – departed
• Kin Pecker – famous Aussie businessman
• Kittle crusps – potato chips
• Ken's – Cairns
• Jungle Bills – Christmas carol
• Inner me – enemy
• Guess – vapour
• Fush – marine creatures
• Fitter cheney – type of pasta
• Ever cardeau – avocado
• Fear hear – blonde
• Ear – mix of nitrogen and oxygen
• Ear roebucks – exercise at the gym
• Duffy cult – not very easy
• Amejen – visualise
• Chuck – very young poultry
• Big hut – popular recording
• Bun button – been bitten by insect
• Beard – place to sleep
• Sucks peck – half a dozen beers
• Ear New Zulland – an extinct airline
• Beers – large savage animals found in US forests
• Veerjun – a mythical New Zealand maiden
• One doze – well known computer operating system
• Brudge – structure spanning a stream
• Sex – one less than seven
• Tin – one more than nine
• Iggs Ecktly – precisely
• Cuds – children
• Pits – domestic animals
• Cuttin – baby cat
• Sivven Sucks Sivven – large boeing aircraft
• Sivven Four Sivven – large boeing aircraft
• Earplane – large flying machine
• Beggage Chucken – place to leave your suitcase at the earport

[PinHead]

Aminister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'?

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

[PinHead]

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[Scott nthQld]

WOMEN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to `how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[coucho]

A FATHERS RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER
RULE NE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.
RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.
RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.

[coucho]

Worlds Shortest Fairytale!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,
"Will you marry me?" The girl said "No"
And he lived happily ever after and went fishing, drank beer with friends, played golf whenever he wanted, farted whenever he felt like it and was turely happy forerver

The End

[coucho]

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND
SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.


MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR
THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,
BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID,
YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,
LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.
LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO
THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE
DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF
YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK."

OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.


SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME
OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND
DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".



AND I JUST SAT THERE...






ON THE COUCH...







NAKED

[coucho]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the te n the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[Pete62]

Now that's funny, thanks Coucho

[Rufus]

THE AUSTRALIAN
APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager ask, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
'The young man answered 'Yeah,
'I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,

'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

'The Aussie said 'One!'

The Manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

'How much was the sale for?'
'‘£124,237.64p.‘

The Mmanager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the 'hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’

‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’
‘Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4'

The Manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Xahn1960]

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

Everything clear?

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.

'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'

'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing I n the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

[Chimo]

POKER

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. Bob's wife said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife:
'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered
'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat
when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face,
replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the
office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player