Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sparkyice]

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger.

I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM! BAM! BAM! You just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please Die ... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly donʼt know how I got loose from the wire.. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sunnofabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon foulin or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still donʼt understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.



this didn't really happen to me, it was a freind of a freind...

[Chimo]

This has been claimed to be the "Best Australian Joke of 2008"
I'm not making that claim, maybe its just a tip on how to get crays and crabs?


> A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
> wondering what could have happened to her.
>
> Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
> of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says,
> 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but,
> some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>
> 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The
> Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
> here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
> He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
>
> The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
> a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
> the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there
> were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached
> to her, so we've brought you your share.'
>
> He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
> five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's
> an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
>
>
> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
> get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
> pull her up again!

[Donny Boy]

Chimo,

You're a sick puppy !

[akman1]

Sorry but it must be 5yrs old by now

[Chimo]

Amazing Elephant and Man Story

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Steve approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Steve worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and, with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Steve stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Steve never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Steve was walking through the Atlanta Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Steve and his son Nicolas were standing. The large elephant stared at Steve, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Steve couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Steve summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Steve’s legs and slammed his dumb ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

[ffejsmada]

this Is A Story About A Couple Who Had
been Happily Married For Years.
the Only Friction In Their Marriage
was The Husband's Habit Of Farting Loudly
every Morning When He Awoke. The
noise Would Wake His Wife And
the Smell Would Make Her Eyes Water And
make Her Gasp For Air.
every Morning She Would Plead With Him To
stop
ripping Them Off Because It Was Making Her
sick. He Told Her He Couldn't.stop
it And That It Was Perfectly Natural. She
told Him To See A Doctor, She Was
concerned That One Day He Would Blow His
guts Out.
the Years Went By
and He Continued To Rip Them Out. Then One
thanksgiving Morning As She Was
preparing The
turkeyfor Dinner And He Was
upstairs Sound Asleep, She Looked At The
innards And Neck, Gizzard, Liver And
all The Spare Parts And A Malicious Thought
came To Her.
she Took The
bowl And Went Upstairs Where Her Husband
was Sound Asleep And, Gently Pulling
the Bed Covers Back, She Pulled Back The
elastic Waistband Of His Underpants
and Emptied The Bowl Of Turkey Guts Into
his Shorts
some Time Later
she Heard Her Husband Waken With His Usual
trumpeting Which Was Followed By A
blood Curdling Scream And The Sound Of
frantic Foot Steps As He Ran Into The
bath Room. The Wife Could Hardly Control
herself As She Rolled On The Floor
laughing, Tears In Her Eyes! After Years Of
torture She Reckoned She Had Got
him Back Pre Tty Good...
about Twenty Minutes Later, Her Husband
came
downstairs In His
bloodstained Underpants With A Look Of
horror On His
face... She Bit Her Lip As She Asked Him
what Was The Matter?
he Said,
'honey You Were Right.' 'all These Years
you Have Warned Me And I Didn't
listen To You'.
'what Do You Mean?' Asked His Wife.
'well, You
always Told Me That One Day I Would End Up
farting My Guts Out, And Today It
finally Happened.'
but By The Grace Of God, Some Vaseline And
two Fingers.
i Think I Got Most Of Them Back In.

__________________

[finga]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH




A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.




The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'




The Aussie said 'One!'






The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.




How much was the sale for?'

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,23764!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'




'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'







'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4






The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...




'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[sandman55]

Hi Sandman55

Was unable to sleep worrying about putting this unattributed data up so research has revealed http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/zero.asp
This link that appears to shed some light on the issue / joke.

Sorry for the confusion and your fruitless ABC search, either back off to have a sleep or will go fishing for a while.

Cheers
Chimo

Hi Chimo sorry to worry you. That was such a good story I wanted to pass it on so I tried to look it up and couldn't find it. Thems the breaks

It's a bit like this story it says its true I have seen it with some slight variations over the years but if it is true I can imagine her embarrassment.

The Gynaecologist
This is a true story.In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner:

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we!", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[Chimo]

NOTICEBOARD

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door........


Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.


The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time, ;

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .

[BGG]

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the koalas. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the koalas - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the ATO seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

[mangomick]

Wally the worker sees the weather is looking pretty good and says to his boss. "Boss, I'm feeling a bit crook , I dont think I'll be at work tomorrow.
boss says,"When I'm feeling a bit down I always go home and have sex with the wife and that always makes me feel better. You should try that.
next day Wally the worker is at work full of life.
Boss says your looking pretty fit today Wally did you try my advise. Wally says yeah boss. Works a treat and geez you've got a really nice home

[seamaid]

Hi Fisho's, all taunt lines for the new year.

Their was this lake and in this lake was a stick and on this stick was a fly,and then there was this trout who says ,when that fly moves down that stick i will catch him, and then was this bear,who says when that fly moves down that stick,and that trout moves to catch that fly i will catch that trout, then was this hunter who says,when that fly moves down that stick, and that trout catches that fly and that bear catches that trout, i will shoot that bear, then there was this mouse, who says when that fly moves down that stick and that trout catches that fly and then that bear catches that trout and that hunter shoots that bear i will run in and grab the cheese out of his sanga, but there was this cat behind the mice being impatient rushes in, slips on the sanga and ends up in the water.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS --

WHEN A FLY MOVES DOWN A STICK THE PUSSY ALL WAYS ENDS UP IN TROUBLE

[Scott nthQld]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 20m behind the first.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file," he said.
"Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied: "Well, the first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?" the stranger asked.
The man replied: "My dog attacked and killed her."
The stranger inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?" asked the stranger.
The man replied: "Join the queue."

[Scott nthQld]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You OK?" she asks.
"Yes, thank you, miss," he replies.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here, miss" he says.
"Why?" says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I am the bloody goalie."

[Scott nthQld]

Biblical Fishing on Noah's Ark

* Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked: "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"