A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Husband & wife jokes:
These might give you a laugh.....
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date!'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes and No.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem goes away.'
Wife: 'Then you can see how such a miraculous and powerful influence I can be for you?'
Hubby: 'Yeh! It’s just that when I see your picture I ask myself what other problem could there possibly be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Wife comes home from her check-up at the doctors.
Wife says, "Guess what darling? The doctor says I've got the tits & arse of an 18 years old!
Husband replies, "And what did he say about your 40 year old c##*?"
Wife says, "Well actually, he didn't mention you at all..!"
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune.'
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Most of all I like your sense of humor.'
Leaving the best till last:
A wife comes in to the lounge room to see her husband watching the TV intently.
Wife says, "What are you watching honey?
Husband replies, "I'm watching our wedding video.
Wife says. "But you're watching it in reverse!"
Husband says, "Yeah I know...and the best part is when you walk backwards down the aile, then get in the car & f##* off!!
Last edited by PNG1M; 27-12-2008 at 04:21 AM. Reason: adjustments...
By the way...
What did John McCain say when he realised he'd lost the US election to Obama?
He said: "OH, BUMMA!"
BUSTING DREAMS
A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"When I was six, I got the `There's no Easter bunny' speech," the child sobbed.
"At seven, I got the `There's no Tooth Fairy speech.
"When I was eight, you hit me with the `There's no Santa speech.
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
The Squirrel and The Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION
[The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
[The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labor Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The ABC , interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.
Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia .
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
The Butchers Surprise
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
What could go wrong.......................
A Few Trueisms for 2009
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
What could go wrong.......................
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 years, snuggled back into me and replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
.
Hu's on first.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUPswHhgSA
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.'
This is a true story with an excellent outcome.
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed
$0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account
it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a
bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he
had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps
to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their
own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank
could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of
their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps
to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he
had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??
What could go wrong.......................
It's a funny story but I wonder if it is true I have tried to find something on the net but I can only find the story repeated on some other forums.Originally Posted by Chimo
Hi Sandman55
Was unable to sleep worrying about putting this unattributed data up so research has revealed http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/zero.asp
This link that appears to shed some light on the issue / joke.
Sorry for the confusion and your fruitless ABC search, either back off to have a sleep or will go fishing for a while.
Cheers
Chimo
What could go wrong.......................
Q: What's SOBA got that Sunfish doesn't have and never will ?
A: Balls !
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