Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Scott nthQld]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 170km/h.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and seventy.
"So bust him," says the chief.|
"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," says the cop.
The chief exclaims: "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," says the cop.
The chief then asks: "Who have you got there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger".
Chief: "State Premier?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," says the chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "Because he's got the Pope as his cheuffeur!"

[Scott nthQld]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy: "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued: "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied: "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[Scott nthQld]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather imperious Eastern-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground," the attendant asked.
She calmly turned her head and said: "In my country, I am called a princess, and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat: "Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."

[Scott nthQld]

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for 60 years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said: "Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free-flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
"This is heaven!"
The old man pushed the point. "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or . . . "
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself,." replied Peter firmly.
The old man glared at his wife and said: "You and your bloody bran muffins!
"We could have been here 10 years ago!"

[Scott nthQld]

TERMS ASSOCIATED WITH THE ON-GOING FINANCIAL MELTDOWN
Current and correctly explained acronyms . . .
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
Bear Market: A six-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
Broker: What my broker has made me
Standard and Poor: Your life in a nutshell
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
Financial planner: A guy whose phone has just been disconnected
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
Windows: What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
Profit: An archaic word no longer in use

[Scott nthQld]

Thought this might be relevant for this time of year...

CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY . . .
Date: November 4
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols . . . please feel free to sing along.
don't be surprised if the managing director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be more than $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The managing director will make a special announcement at the party.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Steve

Date: November 5
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our `Holiday Party'.
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Steve.

Date: November 6
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the union officials feel that $10 is too much money, and management believe $10 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Steve.

Date: November 7
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All Employees
Re: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs - perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other: lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And no, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people, and low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, and no, the restaurant cannot supply `No Sugar' desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Steve.
Date: November 8
From: Steve Reynolds, Human Resources Manager
To: All F****** Employees
Re: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the `grill of death', as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday!
The Pr**k from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: November 9
From: Barry Jack - Acting Human Resources Manager
Re: Steve Reynolds and Xmas Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Steve Reynolds a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Christmas Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23 off with full pay.

[Scott nthQld]

LIKE SQUID . . .
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labour in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said: "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down - I think theres another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down - there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't put it down yet - it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor . . . "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[bobbyb]

hope this has't bean done. to many to read........

a trucky pulls in to town at a brothel after a long run. wacks $500 bucks on the counter and said give me your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich .

the mistress saws for that money you can have our best girl and a three course meal.

to which he replys, i'm not horny just home sick........

[sparkyice]

makes me proud to be an american, i can tell ya that...

http://kstp.com/article/stories/S709125.shtml?cat=1

where else could you have a "parking accident" like this?

[charleville]

The clergyman asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.


A lady in the congregation stood and walked to the podium. "I have a praise," she said. "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.


She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children, and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed
remnants and wrap wire around his scrotum to hold it in."


Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.


She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief.


The clergyman rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.


A man rose and walked to the podium. "I'm Jim," he said, "and I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."









.

[dnej]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.







2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'





3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.





4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.





5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'





6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'





7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'





8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.





9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.





10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.





11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.





















13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.







14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.





15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'







16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.







17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'







18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'









19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.


This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.







20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.









[

[Xahn1960]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Xahn1960]

DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING


Two men were out fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, I think I’m
gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
“ You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find. “

[sparkyice]

but wait- theres more!!

http://www.wcsh6.com/news/local/stor...=97628&catid=2

[sandman55]

The Tax man and the Donkey
Taxman moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Taxman replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Taxman said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Taxman said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Taxman said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Taxman and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Taxman said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Taxman said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

He now leads the US bank bailout team.