Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[coucho]

when i was born, God gave me two options. I could have a perfect memory or be fantastic in bed...... dam it I forgot what i was gunna tell ya..........

[Chimo]

Medically Speaking


Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to
operate on.

The first surgeon says: I like to see accountants on my operating
Table because when open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds: Yeah, but you should try Electricians!
everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon says: No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Chimo]

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like Bubble,
One prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
Pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
Wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright Organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
Toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
Church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Pete62]

An elderly couple who had been sharing company for a while decided it was time to move in together.
So they sat down to set some ground rules, they talked about cooking duties, finances etc.
The old fella finally got the courage up and asked " so how often do you like to have sex"?
.
.
.
.
"Infequently" replied the old girl.
.
.
.
.
The old fella thought for a minute and then asked.
.
.
.
.
"Is that one word or two"???

[Chimo]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of immigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.


It's going to get ugly folks...

[Chimo]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'ELECTRICIAN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS,
'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘BUNNINGS' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE SARAH LEEWRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[Chimo]

A DAY AT THE RACES

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female


teachers, went on a field trip to the races to see and learn about

thoroughbred horses.





When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided

that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's

toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.





As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was

unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "you must be in year four".





"No, madam" he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15".

[coucho]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intermit relations right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral stimulation.
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading internet jokes...- You hang in there sunshine!

[Chimo]

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

[slyman]

Couple of old phones I want to sell... Have a look at the pic and let me know...


1) Old model nokia with 4.1 megapixel camera

2) Older model nokia with camera and vibrating alert

[slyman]

I know I posted this on a different thread, but I thought it deserved a second wind...

I have decided to come up with a DEPTH GAUGE to assist those wishing to determine the depth of the bullshit being bantered about. This gauge would not only be useful here in the chatrooms, but could be applied to everyday life situations.

Depth is indicated by the BS FACTOR on a scale of 0 - 6.

BS 0 - Atmospheric. Indicates a situation where no bullshit has been brought up but the potential for it to occur is high. You may recognise it when you suspect something doesn't quite smell right, otherwise known as the faint odour of bullshit.

BS 1 - Ankle Deep. Indicates a situation where a person has decided to partake in bullshit. The bullshitter comes up with his story and puts it out there to be kicked around. This is considered a normal level of bullshit for everyday situations, usually done to impress others to create a sense of belonging to a group, which as previously mentioned, is a natural and primeval human need.

BS 2 - Knee Deep. Indicates a situation whereby the bullshitter has identified a person, or persons, willing to accept a higher degree of bullshit for reasons of personal entertainment or otherwise, and the bullshitter is happy to be encouraged by such persons to continue his diatribe.

BS 3 - Waist Deep. Indicates a situation where the bullshitter has been encouraged to a degree where they are now well and truely wallowing in their own bullshit, and loving it. Persons encouraged to the level of BS 3 are usually quite gregarious persons, who get invited to many social functions such as BBQ's and are fed free alcohol, with the intent to get the laughs flowing and the party started.

BS 4 - Armpit Deep. Indicates a situation where the bullshitter has been encouraged to a degree that their stories are now extremely improbable. They are also probably quite inebriated. By now, the only other persons around listening in are also quite inebriated and are unable to identify the degree of bullshit being discussed. Either that or they are waiting for the Critical Mass Situation where the bullshitter may be unable to reign the story in and make a fool of himself.

BS 5 - Chin Deep. This is the Critical Mass Situation. The bullshitter has now reached the maximum amount of all possible bullshit. Having entertained those around them, they must now come up with a witty remark to extract themselves from the situation, and slyly indicate that they are a master bullshitter. It's Do or Die at this moment. Highly experienced bullshitters are capable of saving face at the very last minute, others are not so lucky and bite the proverbial bulldust.

BS 6 - Over Their Head. This indicates a situation where the bullshitter has either failed to identify the Critical Mass Situation, or has failed to come up with the witty extraction comment, they are now literally eating their own bullshit and/or have bullshit on their face. Persons attaining BS 6 are open to ridicule from all others present.

N.B. Bullshitting is an artform that can be performed by all and sundry, however great care must be taken in the depths that you reach. Those wishing to wade through depths of Knee Deep or greater (BS 2 and above), should note that at these depths Bullshit Sharks (Bullies) are known to patrol, looking for inexperienced bullshitters to sink their teeth into, with the aim of progressing them quickly to BS 5 in the hope that they cant cope and move on to BS 6. Bullshit sharks are frequently encountered during periods of low light (ie bbq's at sundown).

[slyman]

>>Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
>>the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
>>Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
>>Paddy.
>>Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
>>Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
>>face.
>>"Jaysus" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
>>himself off.
>>He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
>>"Oh Jaysus!"
>>He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
>>get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>>He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
>>He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
>>feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
>>flat on his face.
>>"Bi'Jaysus... I'm right hammered," he says.
>>He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
>>hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
>>inside.
>>He takes a look up the stairs and says "No flippin' way".
>>He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it
>>to the bed."
>>He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>>He says "Stuff it" and falls into bed.
>>The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
>>cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink
>>last night?".
>>Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was right pissed. But how'd you know?"
>>"Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub!"

[slyman]

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical
>>instrument you like".
>>An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi
>>Hendrix.
>>An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton
>>John.
>>A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.
>>The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound
>>from the bagpipes
>>The Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?
>>The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna shag her brains out once I
>>get her pyjamas off"
>>

[Chimo]

James ............



A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[coucho]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and was in agony.The doctor prescribed
continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and
a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs".