Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me
feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"!
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Some new descriptors for you. Could even relate to some postees here?
What do you think?
New Words for 2008
*SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
*SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
*TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
*BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
*SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
*SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
*CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
*SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
*AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
*PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
*AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
*OHNO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
*GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
*JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars'comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food “rest au rants” often wear to show their level of training.
*MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, butthere's actually naught in there worth seeing.
*MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
*MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in thetoilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people sothe pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
*MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
*BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am .
*BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk toremember where you live, howyou got here, and where you've come from.
*BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will berequired every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
*TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women..
*TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
*PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
What could go wrong.......................
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings[/font]
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?'
Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?'
Cheers
Giffo
a gentleman and his wife were planning a trip to pittsburg, pennsylvania.
upon their arrival at the travel agency their were greeted by a young, attractive, exquisitly buxom girl wearing a close fitting v-neck sweater.
"what would you like to do today?" she inquired in an angelic, lilting, sing-song voice.
"well, i-i-i'd like to...er, um, i mean we'd" he could feel his wife's icy glare burning him to the very core of his being "like two pickets to tittsburg, please"
you can imagine the long week he spent at his in-laws in pittsburg.
upon their arrival home, his dear bride insisted he seek counseling to cure him of his perverted lechery.
he explained what had happened to his psychiatrist.
the dr. explained that this was an example of a freudian slip, where you think of one thing but say another. perfectly normal.
"why just the other day" his doctor related," i was having sunday brunch with my wife on our 34th aniversary. she was reminising about our wedding day, when the same thing happened to me.
"what i meant to say was ' why yes dear, your aunt helga's necklace did nicely compliment the color of her eyes', but what came out was 'you've ruined my life you miserable ***t!' "
when i was a teenager i hated going to weddings.
all of the matronly older ladies would pinch my cheeks and poke my ribs, teasing me with "you're next, sweetie" and the like.
they quit that act when i started doing it back to them at funerals.
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat .
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
What could go wrong.......................
----- Original Message ----- From: sophie
To: "deleted"
Sent: Tuesday, October 07, 2008 6:45 PM
Subject: FW: Oil change instructions.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee, read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee:$2.00
Total:$42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10)Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid evironmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17)Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19)Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22)Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drainplug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$40.00
Total:$4,085.00
But you know the job was done right!
PS I WAS INSTRUCTED TO SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH . . . . . AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. . I'm not sending it to any woman but figure you AFs need to be aware of the lies and stuff they're spreading
What could go wrong.......................
The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
What could go wrong.......................
A little boy blows up a balloon and
> starts flicking it all around the house with
> his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
> he's liable to break something, but the boy
> continues.
> "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it
> off." You're going to break something. He stops
> and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
> the shopping center.
>
> Johnny starts up with the balloon
> again after his mom has left for the store. He
> gives it one last flick and it lands in the
> toilet where he leaves it.
>
> Mom comes in and while putting away
> the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She
> can hardly make it to the toilet in time and
> SPLASH, out it comes.
>
> When she's finished, she looks down
> and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
> sure what this big brown thing is in the
> toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is
> baffled as she describes the situation, but he
> assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
> everything.
>
> When he arrives she leads him to
> the bath room and he gets down on his knees and
> takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally,
> he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to
> see what it might be and POP! The balloon
> explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
> walls, etc.
>
> "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all
> right?" she asks.
>
> He says, "I've been in this
> business for over 30 years, and this is the
> first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
>
> You're laughing aren't you...I know
> you are!!!
Nymphomaniac convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said.... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."
What could go wrong.......................
I apologise if this has already been posted like so many others before.
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be The
Man of Your House".
He stormed off to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I've finished eating my meal,
you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you will go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards you are
going to draw me a bath so that I can relax. You will wash my back and
then towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and
hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
The wife replied "The F*****g Funeral Director would be my first guess."
Poem to MOM (or Dad)
My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S..D."
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've call ed and checked with C.S.D
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?"
Send to all people that have teenagers or have
already raised teenagers,
Or have children who will soon be teenagers or those
who will be parents someday
THE URGE.....
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ##### into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ##### into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
Cam
Australian Native Fish VidsSpecialize in Terapontida's, Perches, Cods, Gobies & Gudgeons
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