Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[coucho]

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to
look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per
pair'
Ian says to his pal, ' Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and
whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the
shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear
our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie
accint.'
'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'
They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts
et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my
truck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'
'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'
The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[coucho]

GOD MADE MUMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2 They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?


Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.

[coucho]

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this may sound, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[coucho]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the sweet with the hole in it.
He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow.........lemon
Green..........lime
Orange........orange

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes calls your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Spit them out!!!! They're arse-holes!!’

[coucho]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit
The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician returns the blank check !
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'

[Chimo]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to
find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and
therefore they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'











That's when she shot him.

[Chimo]

The Mystery of the Ambidextrous Lady Golfer


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome
going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They
then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes
be up to 15 minutes late.

They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and
said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with
an eye-opening two-under par round.

She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.

The guys were impressed !!!

Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or
6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this
time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying
to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not
figure her out..

She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys
irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of
his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late
arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed
up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious
and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a
grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her
ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his
curiosity no longer.

He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf
right-handed or left-handed ?'

The lady blushed and grinned.

She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned
I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he
always sleeps in the nude.

'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the
morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his
schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was
pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.'

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But
what if it's pointed straight up in the air???'

She said, ...... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

[Scott nthQld]

NOT ALL OLD MEN ARE SENILE ...
A white-haired old man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring.
The old man said: "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man, seeing this, said: "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man said: "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said: "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[Scott nthQld]

DECISIVE LEADERSHIP
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this . . .
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business, and wouldn't put up with any slacking off.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied: "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1600 in cash and screamed: "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked: "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did around here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[Chimo]

ONE OF THE BETTER BLONDES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her Black SUV when she was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also happened to be blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.”Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.

[webby]

For all you old bitties out there

[PinHead]

A bloke walks into a bar...sees a robot serving drinks..orders a pot. The robot delivers the perfect beer and asks the man what his IQ is..the man says 150. The robot then starts discussing nuclear physics etc. The bloke is fascinated.

He walks out of the bar and re-enters. He orders a pot...once again the robot pours the perfect beer and asks what his IQ is. This time the man says it is 100. The robot then starts a conversation about Holden vs Ford.

The bloke cannot believe this. He walks out of the bar again and re-enters...orders another pot. Once again the perfect beer arrives and he is asked what his IQ is..this time he says it is 50.
In a very slow drawl the robot then says: "Are ya still gunna be a Broncos supporter next year?"

[harry_h01]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn and reliable parenting strategies; adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on; if not join the majority and do nothing.

[Poodroo]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay love," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[bustaonenut]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a
spider.


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"