Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[disorderly]

Well PM it to us............

Mike

My thought's exactly Mike...well,Scott

[Scott nthQld]

ok then I will....told yous it was a bit crude

[Chimo]

True Stories from hospital staff







1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.



I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.



Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow







2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'.



I instructed.



'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.



Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath







3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'



Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.







4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.



'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'



I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.



Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk General







5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'



Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent







6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this morning?'



'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . . Bob replied.



I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'



Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.







7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'



Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'



Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London



Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

[Barraboy7]

Picked this one up from my Polish friend.
Jan Kowalski is the village idiot, the guy who whos in heaps of jokes in Poland.

So...Jan was all excited as he was about to go on his first trip with his friend to Chicago. Both of them had no clue on what to eat in USA so they asked some guy who had been there before. "Oh, he said, just get a Hot Dog"
So after they arrived in Chicago, Jan sees a stand and the sign, HOT DOGS.
They bought one each and walked across the park, slowly opening the brown paper bag to see what a hot dog really was.
Jan pulled his open, looked at it for a while, and then said to his friend, "Hey, what part of the dog did you get?"

Jan Take 2
Jan Kowalski went off to the swimming pool in Chicago. It was exciting to him as he had never been in a pool in the USA. After about half and hour the Police arrived and arrested Jan, dragged him down to the station for a chat.
"You're in big trouble," the policeman said. Jan bleated back, "what did I do?"
The officer said, "You were peeing in the pool!
Jan said angrily, "But everyone pees in the pool!
The officer said, "Maybe...but not from the top of the diving board!

[aussiefool]

Stuttering Animals

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade
students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

Rhiannon raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked Rhiannon to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said Rhiannon.. 'My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' f$#@' , the rottweiler ate him!

[spears]

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the USA

16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."





15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."





14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."





13 "If you try to run, you'll only go to jail tired."





12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."





11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"





10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"





9 "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to speed again or I'll give you another ticket."





8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"





7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."





6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."





5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."





4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"





3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."





2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."





AND THE WINNER IS........





1 "You didn't think we gave "pretty women" tickets? You're right maam, we don't. Sign right here."

[fish-n-dive]

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three Women buy just one ticket. 'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men. 'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women. They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.



Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.' The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea.



After the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!! 'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man. 'Watch and learn,' answer the women.



When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

[fish-n-dive]

A few blonde jokes

Two blondes With Hammers.

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

*********************
Self Harm

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
‘What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3, 000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'


*****************

Car Dents

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first.'


***************

Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow,' said the blonde, 'that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied........'Two icy poles and some coffee.'


************


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter ? '
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too.'

[fish-n-dive]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love naked hugs.


The second floor has wives that love naked hugs and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[sparkyice]

a penguins car breaks down across the road from sea world.
the mechanic on duty says it'll be a while, why don't you go across the road and enjoy a few hours at the aquarium.
when the penguin comes back and asks what was wrong with his car, the mechanic says "it looks like you've blown the main seal".
the penguin looks dejectedly down at his chest and says "ohh!-no!-
thats just a little ice cream!"

[mowerman]

Old men may walk slow BUT think F A S T






In Queensland l had owned a large property for several years. I had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where I had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and I also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.





One evening I decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as I hadn't been there for a while. I grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As I neared the dam, I heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As I came closer I saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in my dam. I made the women aware of my presence and they all went to the deep end.





One of the women shouted to me, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' I frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'


Holding the bucket up , 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'




Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[mowerman]

Global warming.

[BGG]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[BGG]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[disorderly]

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella , located in
>The high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield , CA , some folks, new to
>Boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
>Couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish
>In almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After
>About an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
>Thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A
>Thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
>The engine ran f ine, the out-drive went up and down, and t he propeller
>Was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
>The water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was
>Laughing so hard.
>
>
>NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
>Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!