Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[ffejsmada]

3 old blokes having a disussion about the vagaries of old age. The 70 year old said,"70 is a bugger of an age, I stand at the dunny for hours, busting for a leak but alas, just the odd dribble."
"Ah thats nothin'" said the 80 year old, "I don't have bowel movements any more. I take laxatives and eat shitloads of bran, sit on the dunny all day, but alas, just the odd fart."
"Actually" said the 90 year old. "90 is definitely the worst age to be."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 70 year old
"No, I pee every morning at 6, I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock"
"So you have trouble with bowel movements?" asked the 80 year old.
"No I have one at 6.30 every morning."
"So whats so tough about being 90?" chorused the youngsters.
"Well, I don't wake up until 7.00"

[BGG]

At Last, A Smart Blonde

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago, and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year: namely that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
'Hel-loooooo!!' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up... he hasn't called back.

Probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate MY intelligence again!"

[Chimo]

Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[sparkyice]

if a man, fishing alone in a boat out a sea, made a statement that his wife could not hear,would he still be wrong???

[charleville]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Angus standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it.

The little fella had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Angus.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.


Finally, little Angus' voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?






.

[Tezza@Tannum]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, our cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Cammy]

^^^^^^
Hahahahahahaha! HA!

Cam

[Cammy]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She
just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my
bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Cam

[Chimo]

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

[Poodroo]

Upon reaching 75, old Tom finally decided to retire. After having him underfoot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys . .. . . . and oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."






"What? Are you nuts?? You're 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"





"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."





"You dirty old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"





"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!!"

[ffejsmada]

I Buy the Ballerina a Drink
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the
boyo's sitting at the bar, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of
the bar, Ol' Paddy,who was slowly making his way through his 15th pint of Guiness
slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Oi'll buy the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, Ol' Paddy slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the
ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached Paddy and asked said, 'Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but tell me, how
do you know she's a ballerina?'

Ol' Paddy replied, 'T'is only a ballerina dat could lift her leg dat high!'

[ffejsmada]

A husband IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.


THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO


THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK


HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

[fish-n-dive]

Installing a Husband

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

.................................................. ....................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1is a very bad program that will download theSnoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

[mudrunner]

a bit of kevin....its clean..

http://unsourcedhumor.blogspot.com/2...evin-rudd.html

[harry_h01]

A Pope died. He wakes up at the gates of heaven, walks to Archangel Michael and asks to pass him through gates to heaven.
Archangel glares at Pope and asks:
- OK man, but who are you?
- I'm the Pope - says the Pope
- Who?
- I'm Christ's vicar on earth - says the astonished Pope
- Man I don't know you but let me ask boss. - says the archangel and walks away.
- Great lord. There's some man standing at the gates claiming that he is Christ's vicar on earth - says Michael to God.
- What? Let me ask my son.
God calls for Jesus.
- My son. There's some man claiming he is your vicar on earth or something. Go and talk to him.
Jesus walks away. After fifteen minutes he's back laughing all the way.
- So my son what's so funny. Tell me.
- Father do you remember when I was back on earth 2000 years ago I founded a small fishing club.
- Yes.
- So imagine. They are still operational.