Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Scott nthQld]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

[Scott nthQld]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

[gogetter]

how do you know when you are too drunk to drive?????




when you swere to mis a tree and realize its the air freshner hanging off your mirror..

[DEANO68]

one day long long ago there was a women who never winged or complained......
but it was a long time ago and it was for just one day.....

[snatch]

***BREAKING NEWS*

A man was found dead in inner Sydney this morning dressed in Fishnet stockings, ladies knickers, high heels and a NSW origin jumper. Police have removed the jumper to save any embarassment.

[Black_Rat]

What's the difference between the NSW state of Origin side and a toothpick ......











A toothpick has at least one point

[Scott nthQld]

So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle!

[stevedemon]

A young blonde woman in Sydney Australia was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,'I'll keep you happy and you'll keep mehappy.' The girl nodded yes. After all, what did shehave to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give herlife new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboardand hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night hebrought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, andthey made passionate love until dawn.Three weeks later,during a routine inspection, she was discovered by thecaptain. 'What are you doing here?' the captainasked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,who stowed me away,'she explained. 'I get foodand free passage to Europe and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is,' the captain said.'This is the Manly Ferry.'

[stevedemon]

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.

The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled Vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!! !' says the blonde.

'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[stevedemon]

Hello,

I've got 3 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Pack-n-Save and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an Intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door grabbing his chest.
Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food??

[stevedemon]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[blaze]

put a smile on the dial

[stevedemon]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's D##K off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the D###K splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

[Outsider1]

For the Baby Boomers;

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/...,1036393.blurb

Cheers

Dave

[Scott nthQld]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Buy jewellery for her.
Buy flowers for her.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.
Don't block the TV.