After hearing his blonde girlfriends distressed cry, her boyfriend walked into the dining room to see her with her head in her hands. What's wrong he asked? The blonde replied"I can't get this jigsaw to look anything like it's supposed to" . Maybe I can help,the boyfriend offers, what's it supposed to be? "it's a rooster like the one on the box". The boyfriend smiles & says" come on , lets have a nice cup of tea, then we'll put all the cornflakes back in the box".
A woman asked man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours???"
"No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints."
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I reallysick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Thatmakes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
What could go wrong.......................
Another blonde joke
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. He sits waiting for his mate thinking he is in a male dominated saloon, so after sitting waiting for awhile he yells to the bartender..... 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'before you tell that joke mate, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know that
1. 'The bartender is a blonde woman who is very good with a baseball bat'
2. 'The bouncer is a blonde woman
3. 'I'm a 6 foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate'
4. 'The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter'
5. 'The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler'
'Now, think about it seriously mate, do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters... 'no, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
What could go wrong.......................
In an attempt to be totally even handed.................
THE WASHCLOTH
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed. There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said,
'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond..
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'
NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER!
What could go wrong.......................
This Duck walks into a bar at lunchtime, steps up to the counter and takes a seat. He orders a toasted cheese sandwich, and a beer. The Bartender is somewhat taken aback, but he takes care of the Duck, who pays and leaves after consuming the vittles. "Holy crap!" He thinks, "A talking Duck!"
Next day, the Duck comes in, same deal.
Next day, and every day after that, same deal, toasted cheese sandwich, and a beer. Eventually the Bartender strikes up a conversation with the duck. "So what do you do for a living?" he asks. The Duck responds "I'm a Bricklayer."
A couple of weeks later the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster comes to the pub after setting up, and the Bartender can't help himself - "Hey Mr. Ringmaster, there's this Duck who comes in every day, and he can talk! You really need him in the circus!" The Ringmaster likes the idea, and asks the Bartender to set up a meeting.
Next day the Duck comes in as usual, and orders. The Barman says "Hey, come in here tonight, you have to meet the Ringmaster, he wants you in the circus!"
The Duck looks at him and asks "What the f*** do they want with a Brickie?"
Carbon Really Ain't Pollution.
well it took me a while, but i i finally got it....very good. :-)
Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works - he was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time .
Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart. One day he failed to come home, his wife contacted the Gardia to investigate him missing, they rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grappel full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper.....................
.
.
.
.
OYSTERS KILL PATRICK
I like fishing
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Australia...
Well, there's really a simple answer.....
Nobody bothered to check the oil ! We just didn't know we were getting low...
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in;
Bass Strait,
East Queensland Shale Fields
Canning Basin
Perth Basin
And
North-West Continental Shelf
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!!!!
Any Questions?????
NO? I didn't think so.
A ministerdecided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did).
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
Laugh... It burns calories
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
OOPS!!(Ascot) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in the 4th grade.'
'No, ma'am, ' he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.
What do you do if you see a space man?
Park in it man...
Petrol prices
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
"Nobody" bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin & North-West Continental Shelf
~~~
Our DIPSTICKS Are located in
Canberra!!!
Any Questions ?
NO.....I didn't Have Any Either.
Pension
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for my Social Security last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman
there asked me for my driver's license to verify my identity and age.I looked in my pockets
and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.
I told the lady that I was Very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
'I'll have to go get it and come back later,' I said.At that point, she said to me, 'Unbutton
your shirt.'I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and, with that, she promptly
processed my application.When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience
At the Social Security Office.
She listened to the whole story and then said, 'You should have Dropped your pants, you might
have gotten disability, too.'
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote