Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Davemclean]

shamus and murphy were walking down a country lane when they see 2 tramps one hanging the other over a bridge by his feet catching fish..

shamus says "hey murphy... next bridge we come to well do that"

so off they trot and sure enough they reach a bridge... shamus hangs murphy over by his feet and hours go past.. finaly murphy shouts "quick quick pull me up"

"why ? have you got 1?" replies shamus

"no!!" says murphy "theres a train coming"

[Davemclean]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot
of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one
Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money
left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go
on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They
continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any
more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the
third pub."

[Camo]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do
everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he
never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his *%#!&*$#
widow."

[harry_h01]

Friday Funny


Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Juan.

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

[Davemclean]

A man gets up one morning to find his girlfriend cooking.




He looks in the pan and sees one of his socks boiling away?

"What are you doing" He asks.

"EXACTLY WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO DO WHEN YOU CAME TO BED DRUNK LAST NIGHT"

puzzled-the man walks away thinking:

I dont remember asking her to cook my sock!!

[Little grey men]

Two turtles go camping and pack an esky with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first turtle turns to the second one and say's" You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer. "No way" say's the second turtle, "By the time I get backyou will have eaten all the food" "I promise I won't " say's the turtle " Just hurry"
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle dig's into the sandwiches. Suddenly the second turtle pops up from behind a rock and yells" I KNEW IT, I"M NOT F@%KING GOING"

[bungie]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night...

[finga]

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes???


A. Fsh

[Davemclean]

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"

[fozzy]

How do you know when a clown breaks wind??

It smells funny.

[charleville]

I suspect that this was written by an Englishman ....



THE TERROR THREAT



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued
a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.




.

[bungie]

Cyclone proofing your house Brisbane Style









Took these this morning in Balmoral

[Sea-Dog]

Cyclone proofing your house Brisbane Style









Took these this morning in Balmoral

So where do you get in????? Look Ma, no stairs.

[natureday]

Thanks for the jokes you guys!!
My birthday is today
Hugs,
Anna

[Eagle]

Some very hungry and thirsty termites walked into a pub for a meal and drinks. Finding there was no-one around, one of them called out, "Hey! is the Bartender here?"

Eagle