Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[finga]

They've been to my house to get the stinky one.
The cook's bloody cheese box makes me gag everytime she opens it. I reckon it's got hairs growing on the inside
But that's the bloody french for ya

Thanks for sharing Sean

[the gecko]

very funny. It reminds me of a drinking game called Aces, that I played with some skydivers once. Only once. Skydivers are far worse than japs for games.

Andrew

[mowerman]

"THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"............................
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through
it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so

how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued,
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale for?"
" 124,237.64. pounds"
The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and

then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in
here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"


"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady
friend and I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

[snasman]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders

hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a

closer look.



"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.



"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied

the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar too, I think you could go faster"



The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Davemclean]

Bloke in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver let out a piercing scream, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamp-post and came to a halt inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."

The taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a taxi driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

[aussiefool]

opps, sorry folks wrong font

[Chimo]

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!!"

[Chimo]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Chimo]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[ttone]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish.'[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif'] [/FONT]

[catfishkid]

A young woman's face was horribly disfigured in a bad accident.
Aplastic surgeon offered to fix her face but needed a suitable skin donor.
As it turns out her husbands skin from his bum was perfect for the job so he offered to donate.
The plastic surgeon was able to rebulid her face from her husbands donated skin from his bum and her good looks were returned better than ever.
She was so happy and grateful to her husband she offered to do anything in return.
He looked at her and promptly replied no need,i get all the thanks i need whenever I see your mum kiss you on the cheek.

Cheers craig

[Horse]

Natal Curry Contest.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They

actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major

portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an

inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry

Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the BeerGarden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two

judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all

the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw them



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that

I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as

he is cursing uncontrollably).



Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[seabug]

A blind guy feels his way into a bar unaware that it is a lesbian bar. He sits on a stall and orders his beer, and then says "Anybody want to hear a good blonde joke?" The barmaid replied. "You are obviously blind so you better know, I'm blonde six foot three and I'm a judo champion, the bouncer is a blonde too, she is six foot three and 280lbs, and is a karate champion, sitting directly behind you are three of the biggest and toughest women wrestlers you could find, and they are all blondes to. Do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"

The blind man replied, "No, not if I have got to explain it five times!"

[charleville]

Irish moose hunt

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


.

[Davemclean]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, G'Day mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but also some good news,

and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about ten metres in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice lobbies and four
or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties, mate, I guess it's an ill
wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill ere get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again.'