A husband and wife were weeding in the garden. His wife bent over to pull out a weed. He noticed how big her ar$e was getting. He said "Darl your ar$e is getting as big as a 3 burner BBQ!"...nothing was said and they continued they're gardening. After tea that night they went to bed and the husband was keen to throw the leg. So he turns to his wife and says "how about a bit of lovin tonight Darl??"..to which she replied "No use firing up the BBQ for half a snag!!!"
Ed
Proof of Global Warming
I like that Alan....now you are showing your AGE !!!!!.....I can just pic you in those bloomers...
Cheers Mick
The Good Napkins
THE GOOD NAPKINS... ahhhhh... the joys of having Girls...
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet
doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she
was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that
those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my
folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom
had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst
into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response
sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
'
But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'
Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????
A bit of a laugh!!!!
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Gleeeza
A Jewish couple arrive in their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage,
Wife goes to the bathroom and after what seemed to be an eternity husband goes to find her,
Wife is found on toilet naked and stuck in bowl, and bleats to the husband to help,
After much pulling, pushing grunting and groaning husband declares we need to call a plumber,
Wife not wanting to be found in a compromised position says I cant be seen like this!
Husband gives wife skull cap to cover down there!!!
Plumber arrives and declares that removing the wife is no problem but he reckons the Rabbi is rooted.
Gleeeza
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now tell me, what the F@#K would you say?"
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the
teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the
teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says it will take the contagious."
Gleeeza
Error, wrong format. Sorry!!
Last edited by gleeeza; 20-07-2007 at 07:54 PM.
FEMALE COMPASSION
A male tourist was sitting on a beach on the Gold Coast
He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said. “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No.” So she gave him a big hug and walked on.
The second woman said. “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No.” so she gave him a passionate kiss and walked on.
The third woman came up to him and said. “Have you ever been f#%ked?”
The man said “No”, with an excited gleam in his eyes.
She added. “You will be when the tide comes in
Chimo
What could go wrong.......................
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great… but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t… I put them in your tackle box!”
Chimo
What could go wrong.......................
An old man was laying on his death bed.
With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man’s wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, “Leave them alone, they’re for the funeral!”
Chimo
What could go wrong.......................
I saw this the other day and it had me in tears. It might not appeal to some but will def. appeal to others......its a Japanese game show, set in a library.
Enjoy, Sean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz7Xeg2dgVw
Note to self-----if ever in Japan and anyone asks if you want to be on T.V.-----run far, far away.
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.-- Mark Twain"
Was worth a laugh that's for sure. But I am with El Carpo and will test my sprinting skills if I ever get to Japan. They're a little clazy!
Poodroo
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