Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[revs57]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee,"replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also,"said the Amish woman,"The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[FISHNICK]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister!"

----------------------

[FISHNICK]

A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knifepoint and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist-just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive.......
Stay strong honey, I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck," his wife whispers back. "He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and then asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom under the sink........
Stay strong honey, I love you too."

[seabug]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the bank clerk at the window, "I want to open a damn current account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn current account, right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
the clerk leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
Ah dont´t worry Mary I deal with the ole cod.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem dipstick," the man says, "I just won 5 million in the damned lottery and I want to open a damn current account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

[FISHNICK]

Little Johnny


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground

and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and

Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself

as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane

a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane

helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I

want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's

car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and

Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to

do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you

interrupt.

[Cruiser]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Cruiser]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Cruiser]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.

"Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[Cruiser]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

[Cruiser]

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute". She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[FISHNICK]

"Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries.... "

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He
appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will
send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[FISHNICK]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and
the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand
went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll
try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle".

[Chimo]

A beautiful blonde wife calls her new husband at work and says, "Please come home and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her husband asks, "What is the scene when it's finished?"

The blonde wife says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a big bouncy Kangaroo."

Her husband wanting to get the marriage off on the right foot says "I will be home as soon as I can,you keep working on it".
He arrives home early and she shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a while, then looks at the box.
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Kangaroo."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he says with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Chimo]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says,
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "You're insane. There is no way that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"
He jumps over the balcony and plunges downward hitting the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying
"You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

[Chimo]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
They saw him, and one said,
"I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said,
"Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!"
So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said,
"I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"