Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[mitch_05]

couple windows error's

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[charleville]

A picture of a sign that my son just sent me from his hotel in San Francisco...


only in America...

[Joe N]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady. Standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her "Your hair
smells nice."

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write
a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Derek!....................... "The dwarf."

[Joe N]

Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited
one
of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion
on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on
a
farm, is playing in the
field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
'tragedy'".
" No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty
children
drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example
of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet
voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a
"friendly
fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me
why
that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't
be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[FISHNICK]

PROUD TO BE A QUEENSLANDER

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Aussie bar when he gets a Call on
his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round
of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just
produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, “That's about average in Queensland and
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland baby boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
"STRUTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2
weeks we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers, '17 pounds" The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX BEER, Wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised"

[FISHNICK]

'THE OLD BOAT'.......



There were these twins, Jim and John.

Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that

John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for

John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Fact is I'm sort

of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the

beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like

old dead fish. She was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in

the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used

her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what

finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys

looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they

wanted to use her anyway. The fools all tried to get in her at once

and she split right up the middle"
..................................The old woman fainted.

[FISHNICK]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[FISHNICK]

DOG FOR SALE!

A guy is driving around Walcha and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that stuff........

[Joe N]

Uh-oh!

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called
"The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new
face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the
knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the
knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[Joe N]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child
custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that
his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live
with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his
grandparents,
the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating
anyone".