Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

The difference between guts and balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject......

[harry_h01]

Prison or Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three "free" meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.

[Cruiser]

A Mexican family at home. Mom is in the kitchen baking. Little boy put flour on his face and says "look mama, I am a white boy!" Mama slaps him in the face and tells him to go show his dad.

"Look Papa, I am a white boy!" his dad slaps him hard across the face and tells him to go see his Grandmother.

"Nana, look! I am a white boy!" His Grandma slaps him acros the face and sends him to his mother.

He enters the kitchen and his mother asks if he has learned anything.

The little boy replies "Yes Mama, I have been white for only 5 minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans!"

[Cruiser]

Jose is out on the veranda on a Friday night with his young family. His buddies come cruising by, say "Hey, Jose! Come on man, come with us!"

"No, I can't, I gotta do little Jose's diapers."

"What are you talking about, 'doin diapers'. Ain't you never heard of Huggies, man?"

"NO, what are Huggies?"

"Come on man, we'll go get you some Huggies!"

So they take Jose off to the supermarket and buy some disposables.

Next Friday rolls around, Jose and Little Jose out front again. Little Jose is waddling around like a duck, his diaper is LOADED, practically to his knees. His buddies roll up again and spot the rugrat. "Damn, man, you got to change that thing!"

Jose grins, "No man, it says right on the package: 6 to 10 kilograms!"

[Camo]

A bloke walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
‘Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One cent?' exclaims the bloke. The barman says, 'Yes.'
So the bloke glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T -bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?'
'Certainly sir,' replies the bartender, 'but that comes to real money.'
'How much money?' inquires the bloke.
'Four cents,’ he replies,
'Four cents!' exclaims the bloke. 'Where's the bloke who owns this place?'
The barman replies: 'Upstairs with my wife.'
The bloke says, 'What's he doing with your wife?’
The bartender replies, 'The same as I'm doing, with his business.'

[tunaman]

How do you know when you get a letter from someone who has leprosy?
when their tongue is still on the back of the stamp

Whats a definition of lord of the rings.
the leader of the gay marti gar.



signed tunaman

[Dignity]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.


As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w"with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Hornblower]

If you can't be a good role model, be a horrible warning!

[fish2eat]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and
his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is
make jokes about her false leg.....

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.....

[fish2eat]

Practical definitions

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a
fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and
a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water-power.

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead
of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest. except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.

[fish2eat]

These are the questions the Australian Officials at Lebanon are
asking passport holders before letting them on a boat :

Australian Government
Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs
Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions
correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also
allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a
pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze.
And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather
continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to
which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before
going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from
Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana
travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers
it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking
a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional
four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and
discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the
latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket's on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing
set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score .....

For Office use only.
. In
. Out
. Can have another crack at it

[Dignity]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:


^a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.^

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

[Dignity]

AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"

Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.

2. When you are blue -I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had a root. Good one mate!!

4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.

6. When you are confused -I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your silly, clumsy self.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.

[fish2eat]

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden
fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you
not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never
changed.

[fish2eat]

Residents of Towoomba pooh-poohed the idea of drinking recycled water
at the weekend, because they were asked the wrong question. The
question asked "would you be happy drinking effluent that has been
pumped back into the water system?", to which a lot of people
naturally replied "no!". Pollsters believe there would have been a
more positive response from a bunch of blokes in a Queensland backwater
like Toowoomba if the question had been "Would you like to drink more
piss?".