Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids


I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

[Got_the_Fever]

It's Tough Getting Old









A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical

with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says,

"I will need a urine sample,

a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing,

turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"



The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"


Kel

[Dignity]

Coincidence or not??

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[stevedemon]

Hi all
This one is for the Girls as my wife has told me and beleive me it is as close as they will come

Gonna be a Bear
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, i'd like to come back as a bear. When your a bear, you get to hibernate. you do nothing but sleep for six months. i could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that.

When your a girl bear, you birth your children(who are the size of walnuts) while your sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

if you're a mamma bear. everyone knows you mean business. you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. if your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that

if you're a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He Expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup,gonna be a Bear!!

[kingcobe]

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell,
The differenceBetween Male and Female Birds.

I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of The Two Birds Is a Female???

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...

See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is The Female.

It can be done.

Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
*

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*

*

*

*

*

Looks like my mum

JJ

[Green]

Elton John went to get a tattoo, he said to the tattoist, "I'd like you to tattoo my car on my ol' fella, it's a rolls royce", with that he flopped it out.
The tattoist thought for a minute, then said. "With the sh*t this is gunna go through ya might wanna change it to a Landrover"..

[Dirtysanchez]

A man decided to take his family to the local zoo

After a long drive they arrive, buy the tickets and go in.

They walk around for ages, but don't see any animals

Finally they see a cage with one dog in it.

It was a Shitzu !!

[dasher]

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter I
have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello. "Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Drizza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show them that we really at home there." "Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best
beer." "Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies
of our best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked
up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a cattle dog in this bar with two ****holes !"

[fish2eat]

GOLF QUOTES

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands works." -- Lee Trevino

"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins." -- Unknown

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." -- Babe Ruth

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." -- Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." -- Lee Trevino

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." -- Sam Snead

"[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it." -- Tommy Bolt

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." -- Tommy Bolt

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron?" -- Lee Trevino

"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour." -- Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." -- John Updike

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." -- Unknown

"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose." -- Gerald Ford

"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows." -- PG Wodehouse

"If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him." -- Bob Hope

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." -- Ken Harrelson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

[Dignity]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear, " he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"


I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[2iar]

Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me
up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.


Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching her car into
the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the
door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said,
"Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is a husband.


Quickie #4 A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply
for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to
take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can
you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the
Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns
together and said to them, "I must tell you all
something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the
back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs
for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the
kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at
once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get
MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget
to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple
of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to
show you what it feels like when I'm driving"


Quickie #7 Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his
first day in basic training, the Army issued him a
comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked
seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for
Herman for 51 years

[2iar]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.


Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.



Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over
the little guy, reviving him.



"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.


"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"



"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.



"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.



"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"


"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?"


"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were
there!"


"I did that fer ye also."



And tell me, how's yer sex life?"


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"It's OK."


"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes
twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice
a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.

[fish2eat]

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

[harry_h01]

Star Trek and Arabs

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have
just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[harry_h01]

It's tough to be a Man

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a head ache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!!