Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[jim_bream]

Legend has it pollies in Canberra have a new nickname for John Howard....

"Bonzai"

Well, it's like a little Bush aint it?

[Scott_Thunder]

More Zen for People Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.


2. Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.


3. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


4. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


5. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


6. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


7. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "WTF happened?".


8. What is the speed of dark?


9. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


10. Just remember - If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.



Cheers Thunder

[redspeckle]

Here is one read below
Mitch

[maxwell9]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

[iank]

Dont know if this one is here but I liked it.

>> >> FW: LETTER TO DAD

>> >> > A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
>> >> > was
>> >> > nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
>> >> > envelope,
>> >> > propped up prominently on the pillow.
>> >> > It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
>> >> > envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>> >> >
>> >> > "Dear, Dad.
>> >> > It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
>>elope
>> >> > with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
>>and
>> >> > you.
>> >> >
>> >> > I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
>> >> > knew
>> >> > you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing,
>> >> > tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
>> >> > older
>> >> > than I am.
>> >> >
>> >> > But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
>>we
>> >> > will be very happy.
>> >> >
>> >> > She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the
>> >> > whole
>> >> > winter.
>> >> > We share a dream of having many more children.
>> >> >
>> >> > Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
>> >> > hurt
>> >> > anyone.
>> >> > We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
>>people
>> >> > in
>> >> > the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
>> >> >
>> >> > In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
>>so
>> >> > Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>> >> >
>> >> > Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
>> >> > Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
>> >> > your
>> >> > many
>> >> > grandchildren.
>> >> >
>> >> > Love, your son, John.
>> >> >
>> >> > P.S.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Dad, none of the above is true.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I'm over at Tommy's house.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
>> >> > than
>> >> > the
>> >> > school report that's on my desk.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > I love you!
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> > Call when it is safe for me to come home.
>> >> >
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>------
>> >>
Cheers Ian

[Dignity]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

_________________________________

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

-_______________________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

__________________________________________________ ________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

________________________________

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

_______________________________

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

__________________________________________________ __________

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

________________________________

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

_______________________________

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

______________________________

These days about most of the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

______________________________

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

________________________________

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

__________________________________________________ ____________

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

May God bless us. Every one!

[fish2eat]

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...

If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…

If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…

If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…

If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…

If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…

If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…

If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…

If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’

Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…

Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…

Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…

[Dignity]

very cheery Paddy staggered home very late after another dance session with his mate, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a thing?" "Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, ...... it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,....... it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could even be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly Paddy....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Dignity]

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered, I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer." Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number? I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears".

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case. I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

[phatty]

have a go of this one

[Dignity]

watch out for kids

[MulletMan]

Three gorgeous bikini clad girls are walking along the beach when they dee a badly disabled young man with no arms and legs sunbaking on a towel by the waters edge.

They all feel dreadfully sorry for this guy and one of them goes up to him and says:

"You poor man have you ever been hugged?"

"Why no!" re replies at which she embraces him lovingly for several minutes.

The second girl asks him:

"Have you ever been properly kissed before?"

"Ummmm, no" he replies.

She gives him the most sensuous and loving kiss possible.............

The last girl says:

"Oh sweetheart, have you ever been f***ed" before?"

"Why no" re replies somewhat embarrassed but looking forward to the prospect all the same.

"Well you sure will be when the tide comes in!" she says.

[Camo]

A lawyer was cross examining a pathologist in court in relation to a wrongful death case. This extract is from the actual case.

Lawyer, "before you signed the death certificate had you taken the pulse?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "did you listen to the heart?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "did you check for breathing?"

Pathologist, "no."

Lawyer, "So when youy signed the death certificate you weren't sure he was dead were you?'

Pathologist, "Well let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.

[Camo]

After he has been on Death Row for years it is finally time to execute a murderer.

All appeals have been exhausted. The governor has denied him clemency, and he's got the hiccups.

He's got the hiccups as he walks between the cells of the condemned, a dead Man Walking. He's got the hiccups when the priest gives him the Last Rites. He's still got the cups when they strap him into the electric chair.

Just before the warder pulls the switch he says: ‘do you have any last requests?' And the guy says: .Sh** yeah - hic. For chrissake, hic, do something to scare me.

[Great_White]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful lovers. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful lovers in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Peter