Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

[aussiefool]

Shakira's hips don't lie...... in 10 years

http://www.glumbert.com/media/shakira.html

[Commodore]

George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Dignity]

International Economics

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two sheep.
You sell one and buy a ram.
Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
You have two sheep.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You go on strike because you want three sheep.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool. You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
Both die from foot and mouth disease.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You count them and learn you have five sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
You have 300 people shearing them. You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two sheep.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Fishing_Widow]

Got this one today at work. After I picked myself up off the floor I decided to post on this site.

Nomes

Women drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 140km/hr with her face up close to her rear vision mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruining my shirt and disconnected an important call!!!



BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!!!

[fish2eat]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Melbourne and this weather is just like a typical December day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Melburnian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot January day in Melbourne. I'm copping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Melbournian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Collingwood have won the Flag! Collingwood have won the Premiership Flag!"

[jim_bream]

Another Virgin goodie:
Storming to the front of a crowded check-in queue, a grumpy traveller slapped his travel papers on the counter and dropped his drivers licence on top of the heap. Eying up the pretentious, arrogant turd the check in lady says,
"Excuse me sir, you'll have to join the queue." With that he unleashed a tirade punctuated with what has been described as colourful expletives at the lady. When he broke for breath she repeated the question.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO THE F*$K I AM?" he screamed at her from a distance of a few inches. Gathering herself she picked up the intercom handset and said for all to hear in Brisbane Domestic Airoprt:
"Good afternoon Virgin passengers, may I have your attention please- we have a lost and confused traveller at Gate xyz, if anyone is not travelling with their companion or have lost their travel partner please could you report to the Virgin Check in desks." This resulted in a wave of laughter from all the other queue-ers watching this galah carry on...
"F*$K YOU!!" he bellowed, turning blood red.
"You'll have to join another queue for that sir, alot longer too!"
It's alledged the ladies in the near vicinity were in hysterical fits of teary laughter.
Go the little people!

[Lone_Wolf]

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you fancy comin' with us?"

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

An outback farmer just finds out that he has won Lotto and lobs over to his neighbour's place and tells him all about it.

Neighbour: What you gunna do now?

Farmer: Dunno, guess I'll head down to the Big Smoke and spend it.

Neighbour: Good idea. What route ya gunna take?

Farmer: Probably the Missus ..... she stuck with me during the drought!

[fish2eat]

Why God never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop

[fish2eat]

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

[2iar]

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the
bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is
everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,
brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper
shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him
for?"

Rustling," said the bartender.

[Chimo]

Hope this G enough, a very straight Scotsman sent it to me so here tis.

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

[Gorilla_in_Manila]

Rice Diplomacy

[Fishin_Dan]

I knew it was true!!!