Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

[fish2eat]

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

[aussiefool]

.Kermit

[fish2eat]

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the American citizens in line.

[aussiefool]

Scale

[aussiefool]

Family Tree

[aussiefool]

Lazy Dog

[fish2eat]

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

[fish2eat]

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.

[fish2eat]

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

[Hornblower]

After the 1991 Gulf war and all the oil wells were on fire, Famous Firefighter "Red Adair" gets called in to put out one fire that the emergency crews on scene couldn't handle. He was offered $10 000 000 US to put it out.

All the press were on hand as his special C130 Hercules Transport landed in the desert near the well and the back dropped open and out roared Red's truck.

The truck went screaming up to the well, and when it was directly over the well it stopped. With truck, and eqipment all on fire, red and his crew leapt out of the truck and crazily handpatted the fire out.

The press were stunned when Red approached them, albeit a little singed. One of the reporters blurted out, "Red, What are you going to do with the money you have earnt here today."

Red scratched his chin and dryly replied, "Get the bloody brakes on the truck fixed."

[redspeckle]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me, they are over there, under that tree" "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all squeezed into the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high".

Mitch

[snakecatcher]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over
and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied suggestively. "Just for tonight,
let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[GAFYM]

Hey Kerry
Thats why the Yanks start wars...........To teach their population Geography

[GAFYM]

Do you realise...

If a man says sexually explicit things to a woman, its called sexual harassment.

If a woman says sexually explicit things to a man......It costs 25 bucks a minute