Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know
what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.



The devil opened the first room. In it was John Howard and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.


The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this.

" The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Hot_Snappa]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is
reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we
go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

[Sea-Dog]

[Cruiser]

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out".

The manager says, "OK, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bullbar. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"

[onerabbit]

On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Qld tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.

On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

She knighted them and drove off.

As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"

That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f*** all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?"


Bugger that i live in NSW

Muzz

[Dignity]

hey Muzz - wasn't didn't I read this in the previous page or so [smiley=smash.gif]

[harry_h01]

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[Hoges]

Actual washing instructions on a Greek garment....

[aussiefool]

oopps sorry didn't work

[timmyyoungsta]

this is my grandpas best joke

Q: Where do you find the most fish?
A: Between the head and the tail

[redspeckle]

This is why we have oil shortage

This Should Explain It All...

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Moomba

Gidgealpa

Mirrimelia

Bass Strait

Penola

Joseph Bonaparte Gulf and North West Shelf

Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in Canberra

AnyQuestions

Mitch

[Scott_Thunder]

[warnyel]

Edited - Members are asked to keep jokes G-Rated


[/warnyel]