Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

Women drivers

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (and this coming from a bloke...) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn
BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!

[Dignity]

SEABUG, my version

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."



My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on cheap sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

[seabug]

Hi Dignity,
If there was a prize I reckon your version would win.

Regards
Seabug

[Dignity]

seabug, mentioned it jockingly to the old girl once, that basically was her resonse

[gunnabuild1]

What's worse than a chauvinistic pig?

A woman that wont do what she's told!

[SIRO]

On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off
to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when
there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out
and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the
shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the
beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off.
As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?"

Just Keeps Getting Better!!!

GO The MAROONS!!!!

[Dignity]

IF football clubs were women

Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.

Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.

Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.

Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't.

Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times.

Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.

Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.

Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.

Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.

Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.

Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.

Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.

St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.

Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.

West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.

Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.

[redspeckle]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat
in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f**cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold
digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney."

Mitch

[redspeckle]

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS


A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked d to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea, you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an ####### on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my Willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)
Mitch

[borisdog]

Love the first one Redspeckle.

Found this one on another Fishing website.

A fellow walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor little fella might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vice."

[mowerman]

Gotta love the logic

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces.

In other words we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer (or wine, rum, whiskey etc) because alcohol has to got thru a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER=POO

BEER=HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink Beer..Its better to drink beer and talk s**t than to drink water and be full of s**t.

This has been a public service announcement.
Have a nice day.

[aussiefool]

"Who's On First" -- new version






George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

[aussiefool]

oh my god....somewhat terrifying....you thought jaws was scarey!!!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...09622962894202

[gunnabuild1]

Wow learn something new everyday.Great video bloody big octopus.

[Gummtree]

Just when you thought it was safe to go swimmingon top of the reef. S*&T