A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing beat says,
"Well, that's great..........that's really great..........
Some #######'s got my pen.
Mitch
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried n for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binocular to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn'the just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Does the "Alphabet song", "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star",and "Bah, Bah
Black Sheep, all have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the three songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you,but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Mitch
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hairdryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Next!
Now you know where to look
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths. His parents tried everything... Tutors, flash cards, special learning centres...
In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the
>room. With Tommy hard at work, his mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before. This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mum opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room.
So, what was it? Was it the nuns?", she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head, "No". Was it the books... The discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Tommy again shook his head, No". Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't @#$^*&! around".
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Never Argue with a Woman!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
left clicker down to go up...release to go down...MOST DIFFICULT
Some people have worn their finger out on this. If you are working for a living, do not forward to your co-workers..
The rest of the day will be useless to the company..
Think you can fly a helicopter? Click on the link below and give it a whirl!
Guaranteed to drive you crazy!!!!!!!!!
http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Q:Why did Peter Holmes a Court go down to the shops and buy a couple of cartons of cigarette lighters ?
A:Cause his Souths' players kept loosing all their matches!!
okthats pretty lame
The Bird Of Your Dreams.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their order, the man orders, “ a hamburger, fries and a coke”, and turns to the ostrich……”what’s yours?” “I’ll have the same replies the ostrich.
Returning with the meals the waitress says,” that’ll be $9.50 please”…
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, same thing, and for the following week the man and ostrich frequent and order the same meal…and each time the man produced the exact amount
For the bill.
Considering it routine, the waitress welcomes them the following week with
“the usual?”…
“No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have steak, baked potatoes and salad” says the man.
“Yep, the same”, says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “that will be $32.62 thankyou”
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the counter…………
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer,
“Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time???”
“Well”, says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes…………..
My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for something, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant”, says the waitress, “most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right,” says the man, “ whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there!”
The waitress had to ask, “ But sir, whats with the ostrich….??”
The man sighs, pauses and sheepishly replies…………………………
…………..
……………
………….
………….
…………“My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long, long legs who would agree with everything I said…..”
A chap is walking through the shopping centre and comes across and old man sitting on a bench ,crying uncontrollably.
"Hey what's wrong ",he says.
"Well,it's like this,"says the old man
"Four years ago I married this beautiful 25yo woman.
Easy going
Perfect figure
Fabulous cook
Absolutely fantastic in bed",he says with a sob.
"Well why are you crying,"says the chap.
The old man replied
"I cannot remember where I live"
In the spirit of the World Cup
it is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".
He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Beckham 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be silly, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
Elton John had a big rowe with his new "wife" He found out that he was having sex behind his back!
Elton John had a big rowe with his new "wife" He found out that he was having sex behind his back!
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