And so they shall be:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Corkers the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Corkers, look what I've
made," said God.
Archangel Corkers looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"Its a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Corkers, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For
example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will
be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
land and asked, "What's that?"
"Ah", said God. "That's called Queensland , the most glorious place on
Earth.
There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds
finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers and explorers.
The people from QLD are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely
sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Corkers gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the idiots I'm putting down
there in NSW."
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Great joke, only trouble is, it don't make sense when you turn it round that way....
Intelligent, modest artists and musicians that travel the world etcetc?
So obvious it goes round the NSW way
2 guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.
The first guy says to the second guy "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, & I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second guy says "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The second guy says "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts, & is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like?"
The first guy says "Doesn't matter… let's look for yours."
A Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his
wife,
"Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
station."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife
stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON . What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de
fire.
Mitch
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
How does it work?"
I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For *****sake you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
************************************************** *********
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,
"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard.
And every time I asked to borrow a *****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
These are not all humorous but they will keep you occupied for hours...
http://www.micom.net/oops/
After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to
summer & BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh ones memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of
cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of
danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:
Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, & makes
dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces & takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates & cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her & asks if she will bring another beer while he deals
with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces & brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women....
Mitch
farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for
> >his
> >chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
> >says,
> >
> >"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
> >
> >The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
> >these
> >chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
> >the
> >two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it:
> >You
> >are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell
> >you
> >what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins
> >gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young
> >rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
> >just to
> >be fair, I will give you a head start."
> >
> >The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
> >rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
> >the
> >farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
> >
> >He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
> >farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
> >when
> >he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
> >he
> >blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head
> >and
> >says,
> >"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."
> >
> >Moral of this story? ...
> >
> >
> >overcome youth and arrogance!
>
>
>
>
>
> >
THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.
Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Pity we'll all be on AWA's and wont have weekends anymore.
a bloke walks into the kitchen with a parrot on his shoulder & says
this is the pig i've been rueting lately
wife says, thats not a pig its a parrot
bloke says
i was talking to the parrot !!!!
An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through the wife leans over to her husband and says, " I just did a silent
fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Mitch
Just got emailed this joke I thought it was good
The QUEENSLAND COP
Two men are driving through Toowoomba when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop, Senior Constable Terry Brighton, walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" Senior Constable Terry Brighton answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your licence ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's licence--he's clean--and gives the guy his licence back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines.
"Just making your wish come true," replies Senior Constable Terry Brighton.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger groans.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that arsehole would’ve tried that shit with me!"
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
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