Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Black_Rat]

What does a Hindu....................
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Lays eggs bro !

[Dignity]

What does a Hindu....................
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Lays eggs bro !

only if you were a kiwi (now wher was that kiwi smilie I had???)

[dasher]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. "Ken I hev a volunteer." Please??..
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then all 50,000 Kiwis Start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!" Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?" Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[dasher]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the
Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
English visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says,
"No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist?
What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?" "No, a
taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Wyoming]

...OK, so how do I clean this one up......

Guy goes into his regular bar and says "give me a beer, it's the last one I will ever have in this bar."

"How come" says the barman, "you've been drinking here evry night for the last 10 years"

Guy says " At that new bar up the road, you only have to buy the first beer, then all the rest are free, then you get driven home when you are legless and with any luck, you'll get gratuitous intercourse..."

"Really" says the barman "who told you that?"

Wait for it..

Guy says "My sister...."

boom boom

[dasher]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again > gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."


As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.

It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week !

[agnes_jack]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in dispair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked why so glum?
the guy responded "why do you think, I'm in hell"
"hells not so bad "the demon said "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man"
"sure" the man said"I love to drink"
"well your gunna love Mondays. On mondays all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, guinness, rum we drink till we throw up and then drink some more!!
The guy is astounded "Damn, that sounds great!"
"you a smoker" asked the demon
"you better beleive it"
"your gunna love tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out!!. If you get cancer, no biggy, your already dead, remember"
"wow" the guy said "Thats awsome"
The demon continued "I bet you like to gamble"
" Why yes, as a matter of fact I do"
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want, Craps, blackjack, roulette,poker, slots Whatever you want. If you go bankrupt, who cares your dead!!"
"You into drugs?"
" are you kidding" the guy said "I love drugs!! you dont mean?.....?"
"Thats right, Thursday is drugs day! help yourself to a big bowl of coke or whizz! smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, your dead, who cares!!!!"
"WOW" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation. "I never realized hell was such a cool place"
The demon said "You gay?"
"NO"
"oooooh!! your gunna hate Fridays!!

[Canoedle]

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He
did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could
have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was
still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the
face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding
cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front
of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the
'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[kingcobe]

So there is this shopkeeper who when ever he says somethingo many times it gets stuck in his head and he repeats it.

This guy walks into the store and syis
Guy #1: How much are these pencils
shopkeeper: 20 cents
Guy #1: what brand are they
shopkeeper: only the best
Guy #1:alright I'll come back later and get some
shopkeeper: better do it before anyone else does

Another guy walks in and says
Guy #2:How much are these pencils
shopkeeper:20 cents
Guy #2:what brand are they
shopkeepernly the best
Guy #2:alright I'll come in and get some later
shopkeper:better do it before someone else does

This happens twice more times. A fifth guy walks in and says
Guy #5:whats the time
shopkeeper:20 cents
Guy #5:who do you think you are
shopkeeper: only the best
Guy #5:do you want me to punch you in the face
shopkeeper:better do it before anyone else does

And obviously the guy punches him in the face

[fish2eat]

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

[SIRO]

A man with a 25 inch long ##### goes to his doctor to complain
that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had
more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there anything
you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.
But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you. So the doctor
gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch
and relays his story.

"Witch, my ##### is 25 inches long and I need help. Can
anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then
replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this
pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic
power. You say to the frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no,
your ##### will lose five inches."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He found the frog and called out to it, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his ##### was 5 inches
shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out, "this is great! But it's still too long
at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again.
Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its
eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his #####, looked down, it was
another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his ##### again, 15 inches long and reflected
for a moment.
Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal.
He looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog! will you marry
me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, and
said, "how many times do I have to tell you?"

"NO,NO,NO! ! !"

[Dignity]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE :

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service ."
This is not what I thought "service" ! meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service " a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am

[NeilD]

Dignity

That has put a whole new light on service industries

[MulletMan]

This is the way I want to be remembered!

[MulletMan]

This is the way I want to be remembered!