Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

ANIMAL THOUGHTS

After watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...

Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"

Cat "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."

Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."

Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these ####ing annoying wood chips.

Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"

Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."

[harry_h01]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your Duck 'Cuddles' has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.

The vet patted the dog and t ook it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00

[firefish]

A bloke sneeks down the river bank to check his illegally placed drum nets. Just as he is pulling the last one in he hears a voice above on the bank,
" What do you think you're doing?"
The bloke looks up and asks
"Who are You????"
"DPI Officer" came the reply
"Thank god for that" answerd the bloke "Thought you might have been the bloke that owns these nets!?!?!?!"

[uripper]

bump - keep'im coming please fellas - this is a great place to come for a much needed laugh

.... the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... thats a nice one

[mat_anderson04]

[Cruiser]

Organs of the body....

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs , "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The arsehole is usually in charge !

[fish2eat]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[fish2eat]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[fish2eat]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[subzero]

"Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..."

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay-check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those #######s at Mitre 10 ever deliver the bloody supplies..."

[tuppence]

a mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life.
and the first one gets married...
the second day a letter arrives with a single message... simply
"'maxwell house coffee!" mother got confused and finally noticed a maxwell house ad "satisfaction to the last drop.." so mum was happy.
then the second daughter got married, only after a weekthere was a message that reads "rothmans". so the mother looks at the rothmans AD
and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE'. and mums happy again.
then it was the thirds daughters wedding,mum was anxious. finally, after 4 weeks came the message,' BRITISH AIRWAYS''. mum looks into the BA ad, but fainted, TWO TIMES A DAY,FOUR TIMES A WEEK,BOTH WAYS.""

[charleville]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbY0Jh9_RJ8

I have played this several times to see if it was phony but the reaction of the pedestrians crossing the road suggests that it may be real.

[teach]

THE MIDDLE WIFE

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's
stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! '" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming
water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot
of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

[teach]

CUSTOMER CREDIT CARD SERVICE

A lady died last January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to ANZ.

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit
bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

(Supervisor gets on the phone):

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't
think she will care."
ANZ: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69."
ANZ: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Dignity]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

After Jesus left, the union worker thinking he was as close to God as Jesus decided he could also walk on water, so he hops over the side and promptly goes in over his head. As he comes up spluttering the second man who had his eyes fixed pointedly said " The sand bank is on the other side of the boat".