Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes
and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the
billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...
whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

[fish2eat]

At 3.00am the manager of the local fishermen's club receives a phone call at home from a man who sounds quite drunk.
The man asks the manager, 'What time does the club open?'
The manager says, 'Noon', and hangs up.
An hour later the phone rings again and the same voice asks,' What time does the club open?'
Again the manager says, 'Noon' and hangs up.
At 6.30am the phone rings and the same voice asks, 'Wenja shay the club opens at?'
The manager, now quite peeved, yells, 'I told you before it opens at noon' and if you don't sober up, you won't be allowed to get in'.

The slurry, drunken voice then says, 'Ah don' wanna get in , I wanna get out'.

[fish2eat]

One evening at the nursing home ........

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting.

For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man.

"Get serious," she replied. "I want four times in the rocking chair".

[PeterT]

A retired couple were making their annual pilgimage from Victoria to North Queensland for the winter.
Just over the Queensland border, they were pulled up by a cop.

"Do you know that you have a breaklight out on your caravan" asks the cop, through the drivers window.
"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" pleads the wife who is profoundly deaf.

"He said we have a brake light out." replies the husband." "My wife is deaf constable"

"Where are you from?" asks the cop.
"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" asks the wife.

"He asked where we were from" he returns.

"We are from Violet town officer."
Violet town ay. I used to live in Violet town." The cop says.

"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say? Chimes his Mrs.
"He said he used to live in Violet town." replies the husband.

The cop leans a little closer and whispers to the husband "I had the worst sex of my life in Violet town"

"What did he say, what did he say, what did he say?" she asks again.

The husband replies "He said he knows you!"

[Lone_Wolf]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[dasher]

A guy checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely so he thought he would get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He grabbed a card and went back to his hotel. It was an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, judging by the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
hair, long graceful legs. You know the kind. So he is in his room and
figures, what the hell, he will give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come
to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you, I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I
want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, spank me,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you
need to press "9"

[MulletMan]

A really old and battered hag is in the habit of running up and down the halls of an old age nursing home, standing in front of the old guys, ripping open her dressing gown and yelling out
"Super sex - super sex - come and get it!"
This goes on for ever til one day she pulls the same stunt in front of this weary old fella
"Super Sex - Super sex - come and get it"
He calmly looks over the displayed body, has a think and quietly says
"Think I'll have the soup thanks Love"


A Drover pulls up at the far outback Pub and leaving his two cattle dogs out in the cold and pouring rain, heads inside for a nice quiet drink by the fireplace. The Barman says:
"You know Mate, dogs are a man's best friend. Why don't you bring them inside and let them lie by the fire?"
"OK" replies the drover - "Here Carver, here Ironmonger, inside boys, down......."
Down the boys settle by the fireplace and the Barman says:
"You know, those are the two weirdest names for dogs I have ever heard. Why do you call them Carver and Ironmonger?"
"Well" says the Drover, "Better yet, I'll show ya OK?"
He goes over to Carver and gives him a dirty great chunk of hard wood timber and say "Carver - Kangaroo, Kangaroo, go boy!"
Carver takes the wood in his mouth and attacks it ferociously with his teeth and in no time at all has quite a respectable wooden kangaroo completed.
"There" says the Drover "now you know why I call him Carver"
The Barman is gobsmacked!!
"That is amazing, so what does Ironmonger make eh?"
"I'll show ya Mate" and walks over to the fireplace, pulls out a red hot poker, lifts Ironmongers tail and prepares to jam the poker up the dogs butt..................
"No, no" yells the Barman, "for Gods sake don't do that. Do you know what will happen if you do?"
"Sure do Man, he'll either make a spring for yer balls or a bolt for the door!"

[fish2eat]

PP I think you should stop hanging around nursing homes....we'll all be in there soon enough. And if the eyesight is failing I'd leave the soup...

You know the old saying.......every man goes to bed with Bo Derek and wakes up with Phyllis Diller.

[fish2eat]

Redneck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

12. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

13. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

14. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

15. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

16. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

17. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

18. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

19. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

20. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

21. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

[szopen]

Two 7-8 years old boys are standing in front of the church during wedding ceremony. The young couple are leaving the church.
One of them asks the other:
- Wanna see some real action?
- Yes!!!

So he runs towards the just married couple and screams:
- Dadddy!!!, Dadddyyy!!!

[szopen]

A diver wearing full set of gear walks across the desert.
Meets a Beduin on a camel and asks:
- How far to the sea?
Beduin:
- about 300kilometers.
Diver:
- Bl##dy big beach you guys have here....

[szopen]

Steve walks into a bar and notices a very pretty girl sitting there alone and having a drink, so he walks over and asks:
- What are you doing beauty?
She answers:
- I just sc##w anybody, at home, at work, at the hospital even here. I just love doing this as much as I can since I have finished school.
Steve:
- Look at that. I am also a lawyer. Which law firm you work for?

[Lone_Wolf]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all

of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want

you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I

want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he

got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when

he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife

was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next

to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the

undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it

in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down,

and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all

that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go

back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that

money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you

put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did" said

the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and

wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Canoedle]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very
fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is
your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you
d!*khead, for the last time............ BRING POSSE!!!!

[fish2eat]

A fisherman came home from an extended Hospital stay to find his eight year old son riding a new ten speed bike.
'Boy,' he yelled, 'Where did you get the money for that bike?, It must have cost $600.00'.
'Dad, I earned it hiking. Every other night, while you were in Hospital, Mr Green from the bait shop came to see Ma. He'd give me $20.00 and tell me to go take a hike'.