Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[teach]

Sorry, could not help myself and here is another one.........

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Just as things are starting to heat up the wife stops and says, `I don't feel like it tonight. I just want you to hold me."
`What?' says the husband.
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Realising that nothing is going to happen tonight he rolls over and goes to sleep.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walk through the entire store loading his wife up with goodies. Her arms are full of expensive clothes, jewellery, shoes and make-up. The wife is so excited; she can barely walk to the cash register as she is carrying so many things.

But her husband stops her. `No, no, no, honey we're not goin; to buy all this stuff!'
The wife looks confused.
`No honey - I just want you to hold this stuff for a while"
The wife's face starts to turn red as her husband says `You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!'

[harry_h01]

What religion is a bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of Myers and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the salesgirl.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the salesgirl, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The salesgirl replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The salesgirl responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

[harry_h01]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[harry_h01]

GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc, Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of pills.

10. Musical recliners.

[Hoges]

ROFL

[Hoges]

lol

[sackrash]

The famous Big Nick the song writer died the other week, you know the guy he wrote the hoky poky.
Any way there was a bloody great fight at his funeral, apparently all the trouble started when they put his left leg in.

[Hoges]

Software for blondes

[maztez]

a little boy and a little girl were having a swim in a fish pond when the little boy says to the little girl Look out Im gunna duck ya with that the little girl responds Ya gunna duck me no way ya cant even say it right

[bidkev]

The new men's loo at sofitel, Queenstown, NZ

[revs57]

How intimidating Kev

[Fishin_Dan]

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.



It was a shitzu.

[bigmack]

To: All Al Queda Fighters



From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave



Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really

come together as a group and I love that! However, while

we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave,

and frankly I have a few concerns:



First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,

we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want

to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so

we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning

roster ... have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave

reception area (next to the halaal toaster).



Second: it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm

trying to scare the *** out of most of the world's population, okay?

That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in

the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.



Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly

wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my

Dairymilk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm asking.



Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not

chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey.

Thanks.



Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group

toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was

relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.



Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse

that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at

the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With

donkeys, there is a grey area.)



Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise

trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for

them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.



Love you lots, Group Hug.



Os.



PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry

bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more

[bigmack]

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Dignity]

The new men's loo at sofitel, Queenstown, NZ

kev, I was sent this one quite a few weeks ago and it was a high quality photo which what I tell you next is very clear - I've had quite a few sent in the meantime but of lower quality but strangely enough you can still see another lady in the photo, she is in the reflection of the lady bendiing down and she is not the photographer either as he can be seen as another separate reflection. unisex toilet?

cheers Sam