Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Hoges]

Similarities:

Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope Died

Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married (again)

2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)

3. Australia lost the Ashes

4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and Liverpool wins another European crown.... please warn the Pope!

[fish2eat]

It's time to get this magnificent thread back to the top of the forum

[adriancorrea]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more ?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Sorry guys thought it was funny and had to put it up
Make the women on here feel good lol

Tight Lines
Adrian

[adriancorrea]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many years.

He has a dam in the back paddock, fixed up really great; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly
shaped and set up for swimming when it was originally built.



One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the back paddock and
check out the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while. He took a five
gallon bucket with him, to bring back some fruit. As the neared the dam,
he heard voices shouting and lots of laughter.



As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the dam.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam towards the deep

end of the dam. One of the women called out "We're not coming out until
you go away.

" The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down to perve on you ladies
swimming naked, or to make you get out of the dam." Holding up the
bucket, he said,



"I just come down to feed the crocodile."





Moral of the story ... Old men might walk slowly, but they can still
think fast !

[fish2eat]

Warning - Always listen to the whole story !!!

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her
take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At
the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.Johnny started
his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy
and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[szopen]

A man comes to the doctor:

- Doc, something is wrong with me, it's the fourth day in a row when I don't feel like working. What could this be?

Doc:
- Thursday?

[Hoges]

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second bloke:
"That's nothing; I had to promise my wife I will build a new pool deck.\

Third bloke:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise to remodel the kitchen."

They continue fishing then realise the fourth bloke has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said what you had to do to come fishing. What's the deal?"

Fourth bloke:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. It went off, I shut it off, gave
the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?"
She said, "Wear sun-block."

[adriancorrea]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[Black_Rat]

She was Soooooooo Blonde ..
# #* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
# #* She thought General Motors was in the army.
# #* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
# #* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
# #* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she # #wrote "Sagittarius."

# #She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
# #* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
# #* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On # Phonics."

# #She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She tripped over a cordless phone.
# #* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
# #* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
# #* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

# #She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* She studied for a blood test.
# #* She sold the car for gas money.
# #* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
# #* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

# #She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
# #* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
# #* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
# #* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
# #* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

# #AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

# #She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

# #She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company..

[adriancorrea]

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign , the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries . Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart
and asked sweetly ,

"So which six items would you like to buy ? "

____________________________________


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait
for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old, " the husband said. " We may not have 45 minutes . "
They were seated immediately .

____________________________________


The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed ! ! !

____________________________________


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the
bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand . The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly . As her father gave
her away in marriage , the bride gave him back his credit card .

____________________________________


Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket , and friends and congregation members are mourning over you , what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband , a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man .

Eugene commented : " I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives . "

Don said:"I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving! ! ! "

____________________________________


Smith climbs to the top of Mt Sinai to get close enough to talk to God . Looking up, he asks the Lord what does a million years mean to you? "The Lord replies, "A minute "Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you ? "The Lord replies , " A penny . "Smith asks , " Can I have a penny? The Lord replies , " In a minute . "

____________________________________


A man goes to a shrink and says , " Doctor , my beautiful wife is unfaithful to me . Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men . In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her ! I'm going crazy !
What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where is Larry's bar ? "

____________________________


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse " he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says " Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you .
"The old man says without hesitation , " I now pronounce
you man and wife."

[NormC]

Before Computers (BC)

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A programme was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on a difficult road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3½ inch floppy
... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[NormC]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[NormC]

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Black_Rat]

A Melbourne solicitor went duck hunting in rural Queensland. #He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into an adjoining paddock. #As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up in an old truck and asked him what he was doing. #The solicitor responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock and now I am going to retrieve it. #The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."



The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we do things in Queensland. #We settle small disagreements like this with the Queensland Three Kick Rule."



The lawyer asked, "What is the Queensland Three Kick Rule?" #The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3 times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." #The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old bloke. #He agreed to abide by the local custom.



The old farmer climbed down from his truck and walked up to the city fellow. #His first kick planted the toe of his R.M.Williams into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. #His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. #The lawyer was flat on his stomach when the farmer's punishing third kick to the kidney's nearly caused him to surrender.



The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to drag himself to his feet and said, "Okay, you old bastard, now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

[teach]

A policeman, who's a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor traffic infringement and berates the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the man up.

As he's writing, he begins to swat at flies circling his head.

`The circle flies botherin' you, are they?' asks the farmer.

Why do you call `em circle flies, old man?'

`We call `em that on the farm `cause we find `em flying around and around the horses' behinds,' says the farmer.

`Are you calling me a horse's arse?' snarls the cop.

`Oh, saints, no, I wouldn't think of such a thing' replies the farmer.

The cop goes back to writing.

`Kinda hard to fool the flies, though" the farmer adds.