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Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #466

    Re: Joke of the Day

    the petrol price gags are around again

  2. #467

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Yep plenty to choose from

  3. #468

    Re: Joke of the Day

    An udder

  4. #469

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
    >>He concludes by saying:
    >>
    >>"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an
    >>accident."
    >>
    >>"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
    >>
    >>His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
    >>watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the
    >>President looks up and asks:
    >>
    >>'How many is a Brazillion?



  5. #470
    bidkev
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    You know when you are in the sh!t when?

  6. #471

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Aviation Truisms




    "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
    - General MacArthur


    "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
    - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.


    "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
    - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan


    "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
    - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)


    "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."


    "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
    From an old carrier sailor


    "If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."


    "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."


    "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."


    "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."


    "Never trade luck for skill."


    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
    "Why is it doing that?"
    "Where are we?"
    and "OH SHIT!"


    "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."


    "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."


    Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."


    "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."


    "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."


    "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"


    "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."


    "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."


    "When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."


    "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."


    Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."


    "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)


    "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
    - Jon McBride, astronaut


    "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
    - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)


    "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."


    "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
    - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970


    "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."


    Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."


    "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."



  7. #472

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Never put a joke up before so:
    A hunter kills a deer and brings it home
    He decides to clean and serve for dinner.
    He knows his kids are fussy eaters and wont eat it if they nowhat it is
    So he doenst tell them
    They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what sort of meat their eating.
    "Ok" says her dad, here's a hint:
    "its what your mother sometimes calls me"
    The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out!
    It's Arse Hole!"

    or

    Once upon a time in a land far away
    A princess sitting besides a pond is startled when a frog jumps in her lap.
    and says I was once a handsome prince and a evil witch turned me into a frog.
    But one kiss from you and i'll turn into a Handsome Prince.
    We can then marry and set up house in your castle with my mother.
    Where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes and bear my children and be forever gratefull and happy doing so.
    That night as the princess dined on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckled and thought to her self:
    I Don't #%*king think so.

  8. #473

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you
    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
    They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
    The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
    Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)*
    Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.*
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.*
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*it, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.*
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.*
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted t o give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.*

    Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more
    beans.*
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of
    peppers.*
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.*

    Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic*
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
    Disappointing.*
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
    fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chilli..

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?*

    Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover*

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.*
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I far*ted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.*

    Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.*
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.*
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*it myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
    I need to wipe my ar*se with a snow cone.*

    Chilli # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.*
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.*
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*it to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.*

    Chilli # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chilli
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.*
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 far*ted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli.*


    [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

  9. #474
    adriancorrea
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
    was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope
    propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was simply addressed
    "mum"......with the worst premonition she opened the envelope and read
    the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Mum,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you, I had to
    elope with my new boyfriend, John because I wanted to avoid a scene with
    dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice,
    even though he is 54, divorced (I think) and on parole, and also with
    all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not
    only the passion mum, I'm pregnant and John said that he will take care
    of me and we will be very happy. He already nearly owns a caravan on the
    outskirts of Wagga and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He
    wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
    too.

    John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
    growing it for us and also for trading it with his friends for all the
    cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime. I ask that you pray that
    science will find a cure for aids so John can get better; he sure
    deserves it.

    Don't worry mum, I'm nearly 15 years old now and I know how to take care
    of myself. Some day I'm we'll be back to visit so you can get to know
    your grandchildren.

    Your daughter,

    Nikki

    P.S. None of the above is true. I'm next door. I just wanted to remind
    you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in
    my desk drawer. I love you.....please call me when it is safe for me to
    come home.


  10. #475
    adriancorrea
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    The Outhouse

    Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse topple into the creek and floated away.

    That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

    Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

    It was you, wasn't it, son?"

    The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

    The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.



  11. #476
    adriancorrea
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
    suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool &
    stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
    Jim out.

    When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
    immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
    she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

    The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news.
    The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
    rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient.
    Your action displays sound mindedness.
    The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with
    his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go.....

  12. #477

    Re: Joke of the Day


    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
    The computer then prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!


  13. #478
    adriancorrea
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Men's Thesaurus



    "I'M GOING FISHING"
    Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

    "IT'S A GUY THING"
    Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

    "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
    Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

    'UH HUH, "SURE, HON," OR "YES, DEAR."
    Means: absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

    "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
    Means: "I have no idea how it works."

    "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
    Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

    "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
    Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

    "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
    Means: "Are you still talking?"

    "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
    Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

    "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
    Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

    "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
    Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

    "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
    Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

    "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

    "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
    Means: "what did you catch me at?"

    "I HEARD YOU."
    Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
    3 days yelling at me."

    "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
    Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."

    "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
    Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

    "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
    Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

    "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
    Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

  14. #479

    Re: Joke of the Day

    A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

    Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

    Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

    This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.

  15. #480
    wacco_fozzy
    Guest

    Re: Joke of the Day

    Two old blokes are sitting on the verandah of a country pub, enjoying a beer, when a dog wanders up, sits down in front of them and starts licking its genitals.

    "You know" one old guy says, " I wish I could do that".

    "Go right ahead" says his mate "Although I'd pat him a couple of times first!"

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