Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN


In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

In the rain (+7)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy

(-2)

Named Tina (-4)

Tina is a dancer (-6)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

[Duyz72]

A very unattractive and middle aged woman is still a virgin and since there are reportedly genetic reasons for obesity, she figures there must be one for virginity.
She visits all the specialists she can think of, has multitudes of tests and still no answers.
One day she hears from a friend of a friend about this amazing Traditional Chinese practitioner, so she books herself in for the next available appointment.
On her nominated day she walks in to the examination room and she explains her plight to the Chinese practitioner. He then begins to examine her, taps her here and there looks in to her eyes, looks at her tongue, finger nails and scrutinises every bodily action she can perform, she is then asked to disrobe and he examines her all over thoroughly.

Finally he is finished and the Chinese Practitioner says,

"I legletfurry muz tell ru. Ru hav Zachary disease"

The woman is relieved at finally finding out what is wrong with her after all these years. But she is curious and asks the Chinese Practitioner

"Ummm, but what exactly is Zachary disease?"

He responds . . . .






"Aaaaaaah, Zachary disease, is when your ass look Zachary rike your face!"

[Hoges]

GOOD ONE harry_h01

ROFL

[reelcrazy]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."



Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said ..........

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"What's a headache?

[Duyz72]

Now I feel a bit silly after finally getting to

Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #110 on: 12.08.04 at 17:50:35 »

Zachary disease repeat

[DaneCross]

Appologies if this has already been posted in one of the 455 jokes in this thread...

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the
face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks
him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

[Fishin_Dan]

I saw a documentary today that said lions mate up to 25 times a day.... Wish I hadn't of joined Rotary now!!!

[chanquetas]

Dan...LOL

[revs57]

The Pope called his Cardinals together to discuss the problem of the growing Jewish population in Rome, to which they unanamously agreed that the Jews were to be evicted on November 1st. Rabbi Moshi from the local Synagogue got wind of the outcome of the meeting and approached the Pope complaining of the lack of natural justice and challenged him to a public debate in front of the masses at St Peter's Basillica on October 1st...the only condition was that neither the Pope or Moshi could not use words. They both agreed.

The day came with the Pope and his Cardinals on one side, and the Rabbi and his elders on the other.

The Pope stand up and hold up three fingers, Moshi Stood up and held up one finger.

To this The Pope make a huge arch from his left to his right over his head toward the far horizon. Moshi then points firmly to the ground three times.

The Pope then holds up the Bread and the wine. Moshi holds up an apple

The Pope shrugs and walks back to the Cardinals conceding defeat. the Cardinals asked him what happened. Here is the Pope's reply

"I said with three fingers, we believe in the Trinity, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, he responded with one finger, "but the Lord our God is one". Then I said pointing to the far horizon, and God made the heavens above, he points to the ground three times saying "and the earth below". Then I held up the elements of communion, the bread and the wine, showing Christ as redemer for our sins to which he replied holding up the apple, a reminder that all have sinned needing redemption" They believe as we do...they must stay

Meanwhile bedlam is breaking out in the Jewish Camp, the elders are beside themselves knowing victory so they ask Moshie what happened. Here is his reply...

"Well, he holds up three fingers telling us we've got three days to leave town, I punched the sky to let him know we're not going anywhere! Then he points to the far horizon telling us to go, I told him emphatically, "We're not going anywhere!!!" Then he showed me his lunch and I showed him mine!!!

[szopen]

Just noticed that this thread has 31 pages and had 46 before.

Anyway.

A married couple is celebrating their wedding anniversary.
Husband asks wife: Have you ever cheated on me?
Wife: please don't ask me about such things.
H: We have been married for a very long time, I think I can ask, please tell me.
W: OK, I have cheated on you 3 times.
H: # times? How did it happen?
W: Remember when 15 years ago you wanted to start your own business and the bank manager came to our home when you were away and approved the credit?
H: Well Honey,you did that for me, I forgive you, How about the second time?
W: Remember when 10 years ago you needed a heart surgery and no doctor wanted to do it as it was complicated and dangerous, but than one of them did it and now you feel so well?
H: My darling, you did it for me, I am really gratefull. But plese tell me about the third time.
W: Remember when 5 years ago you wanted to be a president of the golf club and you needed 53 votes........

[imported_admin]

Just noticed that this thread has 31 pages and had 46 before.

There is now 15 posts per page instead of 10. Just save people having to load anther page untill there are more that 15 posts.

[szopen]

1. I'm nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
7. Alcohol kills slowly. Who's in a hurry?

[Hoges]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked,
"Out of what?"

[dasher]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he
goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial
Insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the four-by-two above the cow's stall. You show him
where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Artificial
insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail,
and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the
man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

Amy replied.

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

[robersl]

WHATS THE 3 BIGGEST LIE'S A KIWI TELLS


I WAS ONCE AN ALL BLACK
I WAS ONCE PRIME MINISTER OF NZ
AND HONESTLY OFFICER I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET HIM OUT OF THE BARBED WIRE


BAA BAA BAA