Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay!" and took off like a bat out of hell!

[Hoges]

International Rules for Blokes

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the
footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it
is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. End of story.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop girlie drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or
LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not own a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice Skating or men's
gymnastics. Ever

[Fishin_Dan]

LOL @ Hoges!

[bidkev]

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!". Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"



Moral of this story..



Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[westie]

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded

that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

[bluewaterbandit]

iI am trying to get a picture on my profile have checked the help site but no can do any tips?

[Hoges]

iI am trying to get a picture on my profile have checked the help site but no can do any tips?

...and you are asking on the Jokes page??? Try the HELP Forum.



OUCH! This was just sent to me by a Pommie mate (Guess we asked for it!)...

>

Before and After Test Match questions

Q What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common
A ( after 1st Test ) They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
A ( after 5th Test ) Both fumbled things they shouldn’t have done but ended up winners !

Q What is the height of optimism
A ( after 1st Test ) An English batsman applying sunscreen
A ( after 5th Test ) Hoping to play a good Aussie side

Q What would Glen McGrath be if he were an Englisman
A ( after 1st Test ) An All-rounder
A ( after 5th Test ) A pommie has-been.

Q What advantage do Pieterson, Strauss and Jones have over the rest of the England team
A ( after 1st Test ) At least they can say they’re not really English
A ( after 5th Test ) At least they don’t come from convict stock

Q What’s the English version of a Hat-Trick
A ( after 1st Test ) Three runs in three balls
A ( after 5th Test ) Consecutive wins over South Africa West Indies and Australia

Q what do you call and Englishmen with 100 runs against his name
A ( after 1st Test ) A Bowler
A ( after 5th Test ) An Ashes winner

Q Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player
A ( after 1st Test ) Because he was born in England
A ( after 5th Test ) Because he won’t get another easy series for another 15 months.

Q What does Ashes stand for
A ( after 1st Test ) Another Sad Horrific English Series
A ( after 5th Test ) Australia Sent Home Extremely Shamed

Q What’s the English version of LBW
A ( after 1st Test ) Lost, Beaten, Walloped
A ( after 5th Test ) Lost Beaten Wallabies

[adriancorrea]

A dustman is going along the street picking up wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so after a
quick look, he knocks on the door.

Eventually, a Japanese man answers.....

"Harro", he says.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toiret, I tol you". Says the Japanese man.

"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's
your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having wank".

[Hoges]

"Mate", says the dustman ...."you're misunderstanding me ....where's
your wheely bin?"

"OK, OK", says the Japanese guy. "I wheely bin having wank".

That one is sooooo old!

[westie]

King Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

























Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!

[adriancorrea]

Can cold water clean dishes?


This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia .



After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"


His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

Meet Coldwater.....................

[Black_Rat]

>

[fish2eat]

A husband and wife were talking when one of the dreaded subjects we all know about came up

W: If I died would you re-marry?
H: Nah, I don't think so
W: So...you don't like being married?
H (trapped again): Well yes I do, I suppose I might think about it
W: Would you let her move in to this house?
H: I suppose so, I can't afford to move
W: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
H: Well, its nearly new, I guess I would
W: So you'd let her use all our things, furniture and stuff?
H: .......yeah, I guess so
W: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
H: Nah, she's left handed.

[Commodore]

Subject: The Irish

So this bloke goes into a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"


"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask
me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask
me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was
Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would
you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you
ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right

then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish

Sausages?"

>
>
>
>
>


The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Bunnings."

[zedjack33]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called
a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The
mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form
and
then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of
humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the
maintenance engineers
(marked with an M).

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
never
had an
accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per
minute
descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a
midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget


[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]