Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

Road Rage------

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did
the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate
holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[wacco_fozzy]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde,who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#!t?"

[Dignity]

Farmer buys a new rooster to service his hens as the old one is getting a bit slow. The young rooster decides to take over the barn from the old rooster.
The old rooster says "Hey how about you just leave those 2 old pullets over there".

"No way, I'm going to rule the roost" he replies.

"I tell you what" says the old rooster "how about I race you around the house and he who wins gets the lot."

As the young rooster laughs he says "tell you what and old geezer like you wouldn't stand a chance."

"Welllll, you could give me a 15 second start"

"you're on"

The old rooster start running around the house and 15 seconds later follows the young one. They just get in front of the house when the farmer who is sitting on the porch picks up his shotgun and bam, shoots the young rooster. While the feathers and dust settles the farmer curses "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"

[basserman]

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.


As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.


Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.


Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.


Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"


"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

[wacco_fozzy]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


Glibido: All talk and no action.


Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

[Cruiser]

For those of you who have spent much time in the hospital, either as a patient, an employee or a visitor, you may appreciate this true story:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ##### in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[max_power]

Q. What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

[zedjack33]

>The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
>Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
>the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
>been such a good man and your motorcycles have
>changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
>out with anyone you want to in heaven."
>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
>said, "I want to hang out with God."
>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
>introduced him to God.
>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
>you were the one who invented the
>Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
>Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
>God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
>inventing something that's pretty unstable,
>makes noise and pollution and can't run without
>a road?"
>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
>spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor
>of woman?"
>God said, " Ah, yes."
>"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
>professional, you have some major design flaws
>in your invention:
> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the
> front-end protrusion
>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
>3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too
> much
>4. The intake is placed way too close to the
> exhaust
>5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
> "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
> replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
> in a few words and waited for the results. The
> computer printed out a slip of paper and God
> read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is
>flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
>these numbers, more men are riding my invention
>than yours

[zedjack33]

[agnes_jack]

Zedjack

[Hoges]

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

[Hoges]

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

[chanquetas]

A kiwi, an aussie, an attractive young madamoiselle and an old
fraulein are travelling in a train compartment through the Alps.
They enter a tunnel and suddenly a loud slap rings out.
When they get to the end of the tunnel there is a nice red hand
print on the kiwi's face.
The fraulein thinks:
"I bet that young man made a move on the madamoiselle and got a slap."
The madamoiselle thinks:
"I expect he tried to grope me and got the old woman instead."
The kiwi thinks:
"I bit thet duckhid aussie tried to grope thet attrectuv gel and she
wecked me by mustake."
The aussie thinks:
"Can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that kiwi again."

[buildbne]

this is too good

[Hoges]

Here are some of the greatest ever cricketing sledges.

Hope you enjoy

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to
the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my
kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played &
missed: "You can't f*cking bat".
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv,
we make a fine pair... I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking
bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv
called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word
to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
"This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my
culture we just bowl."
Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the
batsman:"In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
hot night during a one dayer in Sydney ... "You don't get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had
been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him.
"Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Br! andes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie
bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
"Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes
replied.

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries,
Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces."
Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the
ground.
Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."