BLACK AND WHITE
THE OIL CRISIS
A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple
answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't
know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is
located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A..
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Heres an oldie.
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
Scroll Down, it ' s worth it !
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"
Another
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Oh please Dan, neither option is feasible mate, how the hell can you take a photo when you are scrambling for a long stick to push him further out. ???Originally Posted by Fishin_Dan
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. Until
he saw a seven foot Grizzly charging towards him and he ran, looking
over his shoulder he saw the bear closing in on him, he tripped and fell
to the ground and he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at
him. "Oh my God" he cried. At that instant time stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent. Then that bright light, shone apon the man and a
voice came out of the sky intoning "you deny my existance for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this? Am I to count
you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light "it would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian
now, but could you perhaps make the bear a Christian?" Very well said
the voice and the light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw bowed his head and spoke "Lord bless this
food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful".
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]
Two flies are sitting on a big heap od S*it.
One lifts his leg and lets a very credible Fa*t
The other says "Do you mind? I'm eating here!"
Far away in the tropical waters of the Great Barrier Reef, two prawns lived. One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed by the sharks that inhabited the area and finally one day, Justin said to Christian "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said "your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Christian immediately bolted, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark to be lonely and boring, as all of his old mates swam away in fear as soon as he turned up. Justin didn't realise it was his appearance that was the cause of his plight.
Swimming along one day he spotted the mysterious cod again and Justin begged to be changed back into a prawn. In a twinkling, his wish was granted.
Joyfully, Justin headed back to his old haunts and greeted his friends. "Where's my old mate Christian?" he asked of the gathering. "He's at home, still upset his best friend turned into a shark" came the reply.
Justin set off to Christians abode. He banged on the door of Christians burrow and shouted " It's me, Justin, your old mate. Come on out and we'll have a drink!"
"No way man" came the reply, "You're a shark and you'll eat me if I come out. You can't fool me".
Justin replied " No, that was the old me. I've changed!"
*
*
*
*
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
Which of the two birds is a female?
Below are two birds. Study them closely......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.
Feckthey is a nice coupla muddies there dasher.....I confess i have been a Naughty Boy
...
The following comes from the Darwin Awards site. This pair apparently were trying to remove them selves from the gene pool but failed to get the award.
September 2004, Arkansas
My son is a rescue diver with our local sheriff's department. About two months ago, they were called out for an mergency rescue of several people who had fallen in the water, after their boat had tipped over.
When the rescue team arrived at the scene, other boaters had pulled two men out of the water and onto their boat. Two other cloth covered items were seen floating in the river.
When the rescue team entered the water, they found that these were not bodies.
The story was that the two men that were pulled out of the water had decided to do a little fishing. Bass fishermen spend tens of thousands of dollars outfitting their specialized boats with fancy electronic fish finders and other gear, and sometimes make the boats into floating palaces, with seats
that recline while they're waiting for the big one to strike. But not everyone can afford the best.
These two fishermen had to make do with a 14-foot, flat-bottom jon boat, a kind of skiff. Wanting to be comfortable, and not having the money for a real bass boat, these two dim bulbs decided to put a couple of La-Z-boy recliners on their boat. They must have barely had enough room left of their
supply of beer. Needless to say, they both decided to recline at the same time, and you can figure out the rest of the story.
My son said that they and the rest of the rescue team were laughing so hard that they could hardly do their job.
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of 3 to 6 a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the Police and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!"
"What do you want me to do?" asked the officer.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So, the next day, the police officer had the local council workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the police again and said "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster".
So, again, the officer sends out the council workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for 3 weeks. Finally he asked the officer "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The officer told him, "Sure, put up your own sign". He was willing to just about anything to get Farmer John to stop calling every day.
The officer got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the better of the officer and he decided to call Farmer John. "How's the problem with the drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy". He hung up the phone.
The officer was really curious now and decided to pay Farmer John a visit, check out the sign and decide whether it was something they could put in other 'black spots' around the area.
So the officer drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood: NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS.
This was sent to me by a woman
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
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