Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Dignity]

the older you get..........

feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip
replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!
------------------------------------------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex
drive is all in your head?"
"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and
make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First,she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

[Dug]

KFC to celebrate the election of the new Pope.

Releases the Rat Zinger burger.

sorry for that one

[zedjack33]

A Preacher and his wife are taking a drive in the country, when they come up on a old country store with a big sign saying "Dickens Apple Cider" so they decide to stop for a drink.

And to their surprise they liked it so much they took several cases back home with them to give to family and friends of the church.

It's said to this day that it was so tasty that the preacher's wife can't even get out of bed on Sunday for church without a little Dickens Cider!

[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]
[smiley=jester.gif]

[Volvo]

Morals

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your
eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to her story is,'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whisky, machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way
down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the
blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[Volvo]

Tonto Papadopoulos

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman.
He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says
that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the
best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?"
"Tonto Papadopulos" he replies .."Nice to meet you."
8)

[Dignity]

Earthquake Rocks Ipswich.

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale, has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre believed to be in the South Eastern City of Ipswich.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly uttering, "F'kin ell" and "Whadda barsted".
The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill expected to exceed more than $3000.Several priceless collections, including mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Ipswich Progress Hall, were destroyed inthe quake.Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. Brisbane radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the morning".

The people of Ipswich are a resilient community and evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting, muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.
The aid response from local charities has been swift. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, Bronco tee shirts, Priceline jewellery and fine bone china from
Bi-Lo.

The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and clothing, to be air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
Donations of clothing are in demand. Items most needed include baseball caps; tracksuit tops (his and hers); flannelette shirts (female); white sport socks; sturdy boots; and any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs), doner kebabs, McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke; Passion Pop and XXXX Bitter.
Charities are also accepting cash donations through any Liquorland outlet.
$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine; $10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.


Cheers Sam

[StevenM]

An old but a goodie with a twist.

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the wood to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her " If you release me from this trap , I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.









The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women aren't as clever as they think they are! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this it only goes to show you never bloody listen!

[Sportfish_5]

Hope this has not been posted already;

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) By
> maintenance engineers.
>
>
>
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
>
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
>
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed
>
>
> And the best one for last..................
>
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget

[reelcrazy]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

[reelcrazy]

A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[_Matt_]

There was a small advertisement on the window of a little corner shop somewhere in Melbourne that read: “INDEPENDENT WIVES CLUB MEETING HERE TONIGHT AT 6PM”. So later on that night at 6pm along came 4 ladies to the meeting, Sally was the conductor of the meeting & the others were all housewives, 1 Aussie lady, 1 New Zealand Maori lady & 1 British lady.

Sally the conductor began to talk with the ladies about how they felt their husbands contributed to housework and the general treatment their husbands gave them. The general consensus of the group was that their husbands were just not pulling their weight around the house as much as they should have been.

She proceeded to go on with ways in which the ladies could confront their husbands in an effort to get them to contribute better around the house. She asked the ladies to try the different methods she had talked about during the next week, and to come back next week to discuss how it all went.

So on went the week and before they knew it they were back at the Independent wives Club Meeting again to discuss how things went. Sally asked each lady one by one how they had gone.

The British lady said:
We’ll after I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see improvements in the way he spoke to me. The second day I could see that he was picking things up after himself. The third day I could see him making an effort to cook dinner.

Well said Sally that sounds wonderful, she then asked the Aussie lady how she went.

The Aussie lady said:
After I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see that he made an effort to clean & dust around the house. The second day I could see that he had mowed and planted a nice little garden bed for me in the front yard. The third day I could see that he was doing all of the washing & ironing of the clothes.

That’s fantastic said Sally, she then asked the New Zealand lady how she was going.

The New Zealand Lady said:
After I spoke to my husband, the first day I could see nothing. The second day I could see a little bit out of my left eye….

[Hoges]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

[NQCairns]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....
>>
>>1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
>>
>>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>>
>>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
>>
>>4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>>
>>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
>>They don't have e-mail addresses.
>>
>>6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in
>>a business manner.
>>
>>7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" to get an
>>outside line.
>>
>>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
>&gtifferent companies.
>>
>>10. You learn about your redundancy on the 10 o'clock news.
>>
>>11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>>
>>12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see
>>if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
>>
>>13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
>>screen.
>>
>>14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have
>>the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
>>and
>>you turn around to go and get it.
>>
>>15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
>>
>>16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
>>
>>17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>>
>>18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
>>message.
>>
>>19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
>>
>>20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
>>list.
>>
>>AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your
>>friends....you know you want to!

[reelcrazy]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend thought about it and decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

The blonde let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.

The boyfriend turned to the blonde and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he sighed................

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[Hoges]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

Your are kidding! That was so lame you deserve this one...

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."