Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[basserman]

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.


The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"


Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"


The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am."


The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.


Tension in every cockpit at Ft. Lauderdale Airport was running high.


Then, an unknown male pilot broke the silence asking, "Controller, wasn't I married to you once?"

[macdwp01]

Awesome Joke

[cuda]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.


"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.

Why do you think she ran to the bank?"


A girl raised her hand, saying, "To draw out all his savings?"

[bobby777888]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in new south wales. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[luigi]

Subject: Paddy at Bondi


Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS !" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

[Dignity]

just started reading through this thread and saw the one about the white rabbit from Marks2602 - here is the wholes story

The LAPD, FBI and the CIA were all to prove that they were the best at apprehending criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a white rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies; the rabbit was obviously a communist sympathizer, if not an invading Viet Cong, Nicaraguan, Grenadan, Cuban, Russian, North Korean or Chinese.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours, with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

The Australian PM hears about this and decides to test the Australian Law Enforcement Agencies. He releases a white laboratory rabbit into the forest just outside Canberra.

The Victorian Police go in. They return 15 minutes later with a dead koala, kangaroo and tree fern, all shot to pieces. "They looked like dangerous rabbits - we had to act in self defense" is their explanation.

The NSW Police goes in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top ranking officers and rabbits dancing naked around a gum tree, stoned out of their brains. F***ing, s**t, f**k up the stupid f**ker, are the only intelligible phrases picked up by the microphone.

The QLD Police goes in. Shortly afterwards, they come out driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them. The QLD Premier congratulates them on maintaining traditional family values.

The NCA caught the rabbit, but then had to release the bugger on a technicality, but promise if they are given a budget increase they can recover $90 million from the rabbit in unpaid taxes and proceeds of crime.

The NT and WA police join forces and belt the crap out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They know it is the dark ones who cause all the trouble.

The SA police utilize the help of a clairvoyant but after these leads give out, they file the "White Rabbit" case in the same drawer as the Beaumont children.

The AFP refuses to go. They examine the issues, particularly cost, and decide that because of the low priority and cost to the organization as a whole, the matter should be rejected and returned to the referring department for investigation.

ASIO go to the wrong forest, deport all the animals without valid visas, and arrest several suspicious Arabian horses on charges of conspiracy to incite civil unrest. Several agents, who under the ASIO Act can not be identified, claim stress leave because they could not wear their sunglasses in the dark forest.

Ray Martin, the people's policeman, hears about the trial and sends in Mike "Sluggo" Munro to investigate. Mike finds the rabbit and interviews it. The rabbit expresses the view that it doesn't like the forest. The rabbit doesn't want or know how to forage for its food like the other rabbits, doesn't want to colour his hair brown to fit in with all the other rabbits, and would like to go back to the laboratory where it understands what is going on.

After the story goes to air, the rabbit is lynched by a mob led by John Laws, Alan Jones, and Richard Carlton. The PM is delighted that somebody caught the rabbit and makes Ray Martin permanent Australian of the Year and Special Commissioner for Law and Order, saying the rabbit was "un-Australian", and he could, as an Australian, understand the community's need to exterminate the rabbit. The PM also unveils a 10-point plan to provide certainty and fairness for all Australians, except white rabbits.

Pauline Hanson says she feels no sympathy for the rabbit because it was an immigrant taking grass away from honest, hard working, mainstream Australian rabbits. Everyone ignores her, so she makes a video with the introductory statement, "Fellow Australians, if you are seeing me now, it means I have been murdered by white rabbits".

[Wezza]

Bloody Hillarious!!!!

[Wezza]

While I was driving down the freeway the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?" to which I replied,
"I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"


I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? a rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

" Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole,
until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: $ 280
Court costs: $ 210
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

[blaze]

RAFLMAO

[Dignity]

My philosophy on life:

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. No one ever gets out of it alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians ~ the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals and dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since most everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs as much as they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[Dignity]

Time for a clean joke:

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would
give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in
and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry replied, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry: Coconut

Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a
dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[wacco_fozzy]

The owner of a golf course in Virginia was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queensland, and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

"Everything but my earrings."

[wacco_fozzy]

A Woman's husband dies. Her hubby had $20,000 in his cheque account. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

[wacco_fozzy]

A man, reaching the age of 65 plus a few months, went to apply for the pension. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but seemed to have left his wallet at home, and that he would have to go home and come back later."

The woman said to him, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed the pension forms.

When he got home, he couldn't wait to tell his wife about the experience at the pension office. She said: "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too."

[Dug]

A man is walking to work in Sydney when he sees a small Chinese curio shop. He has never noticed it there before and he is curious so he goes inside. It is dark and filled with incense smoke, strange ornaments and bizzare objects.

He is drawn to a statue of a golden rat in a glass case it has a label with chinese lettering on it. He casually asks the price. The shop keeper an ancient chinese man smoking a pipe laughs and replies "He is statue of the King of the Rats, $50 for King Rat, $5,000 for the story, you need to hear the story to own the rat!"

The man thinks and says "Nice one, No, just the golden rat will be fine"

He pays and walks out of the shop as he leaves he hears the old man chuckling "you be back, you be back"

As he walks down the road he notices a few rats following him, then out of basements, sewers and buildings rats begin to pour out and follow him he panics and begins to run as thousands of rats follow him. The further he runs the more rats follow, pouring out of ever crack and crevice.

He runs panic filled through the city onto the Harbour Bridge only to be met by legions of rats coming from the Sydney Northern Suburbs. By now millions upon millions of rats have stopped traffic and caused chaos in the streets. He is surrounded by a heaving sea of rodents large and small glaring, snarling, squeaking and squealing at him.

In desperation he throws the golden rat from the bridge into the harbour water hundreds of feet below.

The rats hesitate, then plunge off the bridge, en-mass, to their death, following blindly after the Golden King Rat.

After he recovers enough to walk he makes his way back to the curio and the cackling old man

"You back, I told you, you be back! $5,000 for the story of the Golden King Rat" giggles the old man as he staggers back into the shop.

The man replies "Bugger the story mate, I'll pay you $10,000 for golden statue of John Howard made by the same person!"