Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[krtazy]

an elderly man was in hospital he was unfortunately blind and deaf. i old boy needed to severly do a number two so he rings the buzzer for the nurse to escort him to the toilet. after three buzzes and 2 near misses he decides that he has to find the toilet himself so he starts to wander down the hall in search of the toilet. He goes into a couple of rooms and feels his way around but does not find anything hat resembles a toilet bowl.Mad panic starts to set in and in the next room he finds the toilet. After he has done what he came to do he tries to stand up but something grabs him by the testacles and reefs him back down again. in pure shock the old boy tries to stand up again but something firmly grabs his jatz again and rips him back down. Now he is in big trouble he thinks but the nurse walks in and he explains his situation the young nurse starts to giggle and says








you silly old b-----d your sitting on the mop bucket

[krtazy]

and another one i may have seen the most interesting bumper sticker i have ever seen this morning. it started with an i then a heart and then a photo of john howard and after that a music symbol.for two hours i thought about it and then it came to me i love country music

[krtazy]

sorry guys there was a photo of a tree after john howard.

[zedjack33]

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND
>HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE
>RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.
>
>"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.
>
>"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
>
>HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT
>JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP
>AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR
>CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
>
>THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS
>UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE,
>AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE
>IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE
>CLOSET FLOOR.
>
>"YOU ROTTEN SOB ," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY
>WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING
>AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

[ba229]

Time to cancel Indy.

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_...5E1702,00.html

and for a picture

http://www.pprune.org/forums/showthr...&highlight=295

[NQCairns]

On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.

[max_power]

An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney And says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[max_power]

Hilly Billy Rules


General Rules


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it’s rude to take the trailer to the funeral home


DINING OUT


1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.


DATING (outside the family)


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE ETIQUETTE


1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS


1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

[NQCairns]

[Wezza]

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

[NQCairns]

> TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell one and buy a bull.

> Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

> You sell them and retire on the income.

>

> AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.
The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buy your bull.

>

> AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

>

>A WELSH CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You go on strike because you want 3 cows.

>

> A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

>

> A GERMAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

>

> A BRITISH CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> Both are mad.

>

>AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

>You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are.

>

>A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You count them and learn you have 5 cows.

> You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

> You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

>

> A SWISS CORPORATION:

> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

> You charge others for storing them.

>

> A CHINESE CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> You have 300 people milking them.

> You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

>

> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

> You have 2 cows.

> That one on the left is kinda cute

[NQCairns]

: The Wrong suit

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally,
they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the
undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that
beautiful blue suit?"



"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be
buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

[wacco_fozzy]

I laughed, anyway

[Dug]

+ this one

[NQCairns]

At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.


INSTRUCTIONS.
Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.


Statistically, among those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women), no obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.


PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the women that arrives will know how to use it.


PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake