Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Volvo]

Okay better get my two bobs worth here too lol..
This Sheila loved her vegy gardening ever so much and always plodding around growying things one of which her favourites were Tomatos .
Poor lass had a problem trying to get her Tomatos to turn nice n Red though???..
Just couldnt succeed to get em real nice n Red ey..
One day she's takin a stroll around her neighbourhood n comes across an old Greek watering his Tomato Patch ..
Big luciouse Tomato bushes everywhere full of nice big RED!! Tomatos..
"Crickey!! Mate,how'd you get your Tomato's to get so nice n Red" she asks..
Old Greek stops what he's doin,looks her up n down and replies
"Well love, coupla times a day i strip stark naked in front of my Tomatos and just stand there exposin meself ..They blush so much that they turn real nice n REd "...
So off she goes home to try the same thing herself...
Coupla days latere the old greek couldnt help himself and had to walk past her house see how she's getting on??..
There she was in the garden doin a bit of deweeding and he sticks his head over the fence n sez
"Well how'd ya go love get them Tomatos ta turn Red"..
G'day mate she sez, did what ya said.Coupla times a day i strip starkers in front of my vegy patch and show all ..
"Your Tommies turn red he asks"
"Nup!!! but ya oughta see the size of me Cucumbers" she replies..

[Dug]

Q; why was the blond staring at the fruit juice bottle?

A; it said concentrate

[SHANE]

The Phone Call

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They *&!?( for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.

Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrifiic.

Great!

Thanks.

Okay.

Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[SHANE]

........

[polydriverjr]

When Im in a sober mood,
I worry, work and think,
When im in a drunken mood,
I gamble fight and drink,
But when all my moods are gone,
and the world has come to pass,
I wish to be buried upside down,
So the world may kiss my A##

[el_carpo]

Old 1, but new if you haven't heard it yet:

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Becasue 7 8 9.

[Rowdy_2002]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[reelcrazy]

IF you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[major-defect]

Here goes!3 blokes went fishing and camping for the weekend.They got afew fish that day and were sitting around the fire having fish sangers.Suddenly Bill starts choking he jumps up he's going blue in the face. Joe runs round behind and pulls Bills pants down then licks him on the bum.Bill gets such a shock he shoots the chunk of sanger out.Bill turns and says"gees thanks mate ya saved me life"and Joe said"aww thats nothin mate,that hindlick manouvre works every time.

[imported_admin]

MICROSOFT GRANTED MORE PATENTS

The following was reported by The Onion -- "America's Finest News
Source" which can be accessed at http://theonion.com.

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and
zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building
blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of
10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever
since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the
interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted
the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However,
changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices
of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek
compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft
patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the
10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its
core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun
Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java
programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The
licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but
to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have
serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive
selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next
millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are
also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal
trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system.
Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining
that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are
legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives
are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a
symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls
written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular
notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi
explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original
mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a
signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness.
Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the
Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these
numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in
the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of
one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero,
Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics
and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers,
gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the
concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical
mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty
much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft
may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental
numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on
infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday,
Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will,
ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes
of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise
of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most
powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the
millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

[NQCairns]

WARNING - NEW SCAM

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit
that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending
this to your entire email list.








If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and
asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum. This is a scam
- he only wants to see your bum.




I wish I'd got this yesterday.
I feel so stupid and cheap.

[bungie]

lol

[roz]

Q: What do Barristers use for contraception?
A: Their personalities.
I do apologize to a couple of my family members for that joke.
Roz

[Black_Rat]

I guess it's just indicative of the inventive nature of the Australian Mind!

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed down the search to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hrs, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name ?
After 24 hrs was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second from New Zealand, says my answer is, "there is no way to determine the answer with the information we have been given."
The third one from Australia says, "I'm not exaclty sure, but I have narrowed it down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job.

[seafox]

Q: if you weigh a fish in a fish market where do you weigh a whale


A: in a whaleway station