Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Zeeke]

What did the elephant say to the naked man? - It's kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

[baldyhead]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing.
"What do they say?" the priest inquired ?
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to
your problem.
I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots
over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to
the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f******
beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[where_is_dave]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[DaneCross]

Oldie but a goodie...
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring at him.
The young man finally said, "What's the matter Old Timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f***** a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[DaneCross]

The Hitchhiker

This story happened about a month ago, in a little town in Victoria (Australia), and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy,without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the 'w @ n k e r' that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!"

[MTpockets]

[Brenno]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to
the doctor, he says, " How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your ##### in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay next week."


So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon
night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.

This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first,
no one has ever touched these breasts."

she then takes off her panties and says you'll be the first to touch me here.

with that the husband whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Rosso]

This one comes from Mr Kilkenny...



A businessman is driving out of Glasgow one Friday evening along M8.

He runs into a traffic jam but after about ten minutes sitting
still, he's beginning to think 'hey, this is worse than usual'. He
sees a policeman wandering between the lines of cars, so winds down his window and calls him over to ask what's going on ahead.

'It's a Rangers fan,' says the policeman. 'He's feeling really
depressed because his team failed to dae anythin this season after all the mouthing off he's been doing since last year. He also says that he's got no friends, all his family hate him, he lives in Easterhouse and he's never had a job.

He's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire in the middle of the road. I've had a long chat with him, and now I'm taking up a collection for him.'

The businessman is impressed. 'Wow, that's really good of you,' he says. How much have you collected for him so far?' 'Well,' says the policeman, 'About 20 gallons so far, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

[baldyhead]

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Tasmanian mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The Victorian mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the NSW mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The NSW mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses on the bar, turns to the Victorian mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can take, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz for the rest of the day." They both turn to the Queensland mouse.

The Queensland mouse finished the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the other two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. Gotta go home and f##k the cat."

[boof]

??? ???10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was.…..God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[sir_noelus]

Michael and Patrick, walking past the employment office saw a sign. WORK AVAILABLE--TREE FELLERS WANTED Said Patrick, "If Saun had come with us we could have got that job".

[sir_noelus]

Could be Jeffo, I don't know.

[zedjack33]

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.

[zedjack33]

Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son

[Zeeke]

A couple of fishing buddys play a joke on there mate