Girl goes to the doctor's with a chest infection. Doctor gets his stethoscope out and says "Big breaths". The girl replies "Yeth and I am only thixteen!!..
Girl goes to the doctor's with a chest infection. Doctor gets his stethoscope out and says "Big breaths". The girl replies "Yeth and I am only thixteen!!..
Whats a blonde and a prawn have in common??
The heads full of "crap" but the pink part tastes nice....
...A bad days fishing is always better than a good days working...
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
sex maniac.jpg
recntly got this one from the UK
Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
Some of you might like this one. (if it works)
http://player.vimeo.com/video/574680...d=media-player
My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He
mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!
a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day .You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
how about this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEIn8GJIg0E
What does "Jack The Ripper" and
"Winnie The Poo" have in common? ????
The same middle name [emoji1]
sent from the beerhunter
Haha see the little blue car just run straight through with no fear. Thats amazing thanks for posting this.Originally Posted by littlejim
sent from the beerhunter
See if you remember this old one.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went
into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone
you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
" Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one,"replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Taking Viagra wont turn you into Sean Connery
But it will make you Roger Moore
[IMG]file:///D:/Downloads/IM/Runtime/Message/%7B2710EEF3-005A-445B-8FBF-F6C30D6F980A%7D/Show/ATT000021.jpg[/IMG]
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. and it puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all your dependents?"
I replied: 1million muslin immigrants we provide everything for; 50,000 crack heads in rehab ;
1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work,
25,000 people in prison, 26,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday , 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate with their nose in the trough "
They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.
SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
One day as I sat all alone in the gloom, without a hope in the world, a little voice came out of the dark, saying:
"Cheer up. - Things could be worse!"
So I cheered up.
And sure enough - things got worse.
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