Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Axl]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

God bless the Irish.....

A bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

---

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

---

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
the driver won £52!

---

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"

---

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

---

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya tink ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

---

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...

---

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

---

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine.".

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

An Irishman and a Mecedes


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"The Devil you say", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course


on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over


his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.





The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.





The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'





The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'





After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's


not even a member of this golf club'

[littlejim]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Gon Fishun]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

What do you get if you cross a flea with a fish.






















Itchy cods.

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Sex and Good Grammar

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.



The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."



The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.






His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"








And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[littlejim]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

There aren’t many sports car jokes. Here is one doing the rounds in the UK in the mid 70’s.

A young British Army Lieutenant took his TR6 to Northern Ireland on his posting. Duty kept him off the roads for the first three weeks, but a spell of furlough meant he could get out on to the country roads.

By the third little hump-backed bridge over the streams he was getting the hang of getting airborne on the far side.

As he was coming to earth after the fourth one he ploughed through a donkey drawn hay cart, complete with clay pipe smoking Irish farmer.

After coming to a halt he ran back to the cart coming to the donkey first. It was in a bad way so he pulled out his service revolver and put it out of its misery.

He got back to the farmer, who looked a bit worse for wear, knelt over him, and asked “ are you alright?”

The farmer took the stub of his clay pipe out of his mouth, looked at the revolver, which still had a few whisps of cordite smoke coming out of the barrel, then looked at the Subaltern, and said: “Oi niver felt better in me loif!”

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.

"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.





"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:

"Sack my cook"

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

[littlejim]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

ladies' joke

[sparkyice]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

and then it occered to me... the best way to keep from dropping your i-phone into the pisser is to keep the phone in your pocket.

[Gon Fishun]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Taking selfies at the urinal hmmmmmmm.

[sparkyice]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

umm...well...ah...

[Gon Fishun]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[groverwa]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

The E.U announced today that all future Euro notes will be printed on Greece-Proof paper.