Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[littlejim]

for the wine buffs;

[groverwa]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" and that's when I shot the bastard.

[sparkyice]

i was looking for a couple of chickens on craigslist and found an ad offering to lease me two laying hens with a coop.
i bit.
this is lease agreement they sent me. it's real. they're serious.
i told them i'd have to have my lawyer look it over.
(they're just chickens, for christ's sake!)


CUSTOMER RENTAL AGREEMENT
Version 2013.1

This Customer Rental Agreement (this “Agreement”) is made effective as of the Effective Date (as
defined in Schedule 1), by and between Customer (as defined in Schedule 1) and Hens2Rent LLC (“H2R”).
1. AGREEMENT TO LEASE. H2R hereby agrees to lease to Customer and Customer hereby agrees
to lease from H2R, subject to the terms and conditions of this Agreement, the Equipment and the
Hens, as defined and further described in Schedule 1 attached hereto. Except as otherwise expressly
provided herein, the Equipment and Hens shall at all times be and remain the sole and exclusive
personal property of H2R. Customer shall be solely responsible, at its own cost and expense, for the
payment of any and all taxes, fines, permit fees, and penalties, and for compliance with applicable
laws related to Customer’s use, possession, and leasing of the Equipment and Hens.

2. RENT. Customer shall pay rent to H2R for the use of the Equipment and Hens in the amounts
specified on Schedule 1 (the “Rent”).

3. TERM. The Term of the Agreement shall commence on the Commencement Date (as defined in
Schedule 1) and end on the Expiration Date (as defined in Schedule 1) (the “Term”).

4. ASSUMPTION OF RISK; DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY; LIMITATION OF DAMAGES.
a. Except as otherwise expressly provided herein, H2R makes no representations or warranty,
express or implied, as to any matter whatsoever related to the Equipment, the Hens, or
compliance with requirements of any applicable laws, codes, ordinances, or specifications
pertaining to the Equipment or the Hens. Except as otherwise expressly provided herein,
Customer accepts the Equipment and the Hens on an “AS IS,” “WITH ALL FAULTS” basis.
b. CUSTOMER UNDERSTANDS THAT MAINTAINING AND CARING FOR THE HENS
AND EQUIPMENT CAN BE DANGEROUS WITH THE RISK OF BODILY INJURY,
ILLNESS, DEATH OR PROPERTY DAMAGE. As against H2R and its officers, directors,
partners, members, managers, employees, and agents, CUSTOMER HEREBY ASSUMES
FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR RISK OF BODILY INJURY, ILLNESS, DEATH OR
PROPERTY DAMAGE INCURRED BY CUSTOMER OR ANY OTHER PERSON
ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO CUSTOMER’S USE, RENTAL, MAINTENANCE,
OR CARE OF THE EQUIPMENT AND HENS.
c. Notwithstanding any provision herein to the contrary, H2R SHALL NOT, UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES, BE LIABLE TO CUSTOMER OR ANY THIRD PARTY, FOR
CONSEQUENTIAL, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING
OUT OF OR RELATED TO THE CUSTOMER’S USE OR RENTAL OF THE
EQUIPMENT AND HENS.

5. RISK OF LOSS. From the date H2R delivers the Equipment and Hens to Customer, Customer
assumes and shall bear the entire risk of loss for theft, damage, destruction, death, illness, or other
injury to the Equipment or Hens from any and every cause whatsoever. In the event of such theft,
damage, destruction, death, illness, or other injury during the Term, Customer shall (i) notify H2R of
such within forty-eight (48) hours and (ii) pay to H2R within five (5) days of H2R’s written demand
the amount required to make all repairs or treatments necessary to place the same in good repair,
condition, and working order, as reasonably determined by H2R; provided, however, H2R shall
reimburse Customer all amounts received in excess of H2R’s costs incurred therefor. If H2R
determines that the Equipment or Hens are lost, destroyed, damaged, ill, or injured beyond reasonable
repair or treatment, Customer shall pay H2R the replacement value for the same in good repair,
condition, and working order. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


6. OWNERSHIP OF EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Except as otherwise provided herein, the
Equipment and Hens shall be and remain the sole and exclusive property of H2R. Customer
acknowledges that it has not and by the execution of this Agreement and the payment of Rent
hereunder does not and will not obtain any ownership, title, or property rights or interest, legal or
equitable, in the Equipment and Hens.

7. MAINTENANCE & CARE. Customer shall, at the sole cost and expense of Customer, maintain the
Equipment in good repair, condition, and working order and care for the Hens and Equipment in
accordance with H2R’s instructions and with reasonable concern and supervision for the wellbeing of
the Hens; provided, however, all material repairs or wellness treatments shall be performed or
authorized by H2R subject to Section 5.

8. H2R’S ACCESS TO EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Customer shall at any and all times during
hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m., upon 24 hours prior notice to Customer, grant H2R free access to
enter upon the Customer’s premises wherein the Equipment and Hens are located to inspect the
Equipment and Hens, and, upon the Expiration Date or if damage, destruction, death, illness, or other
injury to the Equipment or Hens has occurred or if there is a substantial risk thereof (as determined by
H2R) during the Term, to repossess the Equipment and Hens. The rights of H2R under this
paragraph shall survive the expiration or early termination of the Term.

9. NO ALTERATIONS TO EQUIPMENT. Customer shall not make any changes or alterations in or
to the Equipment. All repairs, parts, supplies, accessories, equipment, and devices furnished, affixed,
or installed to or on the Equipment or any part or unit thereof, shall become the property of H2R.

10. LOCATION OF EQUIPMENT AND HENS. Customer shall not part with possession or control
of, or suffer or allow to pass out of its possession or control, items of Equipment or the Hens or
change the location of the Equipment or Hens from the Customer’s delivery site without the prior
written consent of H2R.

11. ASSIGNMENT. Customer shall not assign or in any way dispose of all or any part of its rights or
obligations under this Agreement or enter into any sublease of all or any part of the Equipment or
Hens without the prior written consent of H2R. H2R may assign this Agreement without the
consent of Customer.

12. EVENTS OF DEFAULT. An “Event of Default” shall occur hereunder if during the Term
Customer (i) fails to pay any installment of Rent or other payment required hereunder on or before the
due date therefor; (ii) fails to perform or observe any other covenant, condition or agreement to be
performed or observed by it hereunder; or (iii) without H2R’s consent, attempts to remove, sell,
assign, lease, transfer, encumber, or part with possession of all or any portion of the Equipment or
Hens or any interest therein or any interest in this Agreement. Customer agrees that the occurrence of
any of the foregoing Events of Default shall substantially impair the value of this Agreement to H2R
and shall be deemed a substantial default entitling H2R to exercise all of the remedies in Section 13
below. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


13. REMEDIES. Upon the occurrence of any Event of Default and at any time thereafter, H2R may,
with or without cancelling this Agreement, in its sole discretion, do any one or more of the following:
a. sue for and recover all rents, and other payments, then accrued or thereafter accruing,
hereunder;
b. take possession of the Equipment and Hens, without demand or notice, wherever the same may
be located, without any court order or other process of law, and for this purpose H2R and/or its
agents may enter upon any premises of or under control or jurisdiction of the Customer or any
agent of Customer, without liability for suit, action or other proceeding by Customer (any
damages occasioned by such repossession being hereby expressly waived);
c. terminate this Agreement; and
d. pursue any other remedy at law or in equity.

14. INDEMNITY. Customer shall indemnify and hold H2R and its officers, directors, partners,
members, managers, successors, assigns, employees, and agents harmless from and against all claims,
losses, liabilities (including arising under negligence, tort and strict liability), damages, judgments,
suits, and all legal proceedings, and any and all costs and expenses in connection therewith (including
attorneys’ fees) arising out of or in any manner connected with the possession, use, storage, operation,
or maintenance, care, or repair of the Equipment and Hens during the Term, including, without
limitation, claims for injury to or death of persons and for damage to property. Customer agrees to
give H2R prompt notice of any such claim or liability. Customer shall be solely responsible, at its
own cost and expense, for the payment of any and all taxes, fines, permit fees, and penalties, and for
compliance with applicable laws related to Customer’s use, possession, and leasing of the Equipment
and Hens. The obligations of Customer under this Section shall survive the termination or expiration
of the Term.

15. NON-CANCELABLE LEASE; OBLIGATIONS UNCONDITIONAL. The Agreement cannot be
cancelled or terminated except as expressly provided herein. Customer hereby agrees that Customer’s
obligation to pay all Rent and any other amounts owing hereunder shall be absolute and
unconditional.
16. OPTION TO PURCHASE. Effective as of the Expiration Date, Customer shall have the option,
provided no Event of Default has occurred and is continuing, and subject to the conditions set forth
herein, to purchase all, but not less than all, the Equipment and Hens, provided, however, that
Customer shall give H2R notice of Customer’s desire to exercise said purchase option at least ten
(10) days prior to the Expiration Date. Upon H2R’s acknowledgement of receipt of the additional
purchase amount due from Customer in accordance with Schedule 1, and subject to Customer’s
payment of all rental and other payments due hereunder, H2R shall be deemed to have conveyed and
released its entire title and interest in the Equipment and Hens on an “AS IS,” “WITH ALL
FAULTS” basis, without any other representation or warranty by H2R, and all transfer charges and
sales taxes will be paid by Customer whereupon Customer shall have no further obligation to H2R
for the payment of rental payments hereunder in respect of such Equipment and Hens; provided,
however, Customer's non rental obligations with respect thereto, such as tax and general
indemnification, shall continue.
17. ENTIRE AGREEMENT. This Agreement, together with the Schedule attached hereto, constitutes
the entire agreement between H2R and Customer; and it shall not be amended, altered or changed
except by a written agreement signed by the parties hereto. Customer Rental Agreement Version 2013.1


18. SEVERABILITY. In the event any provision of this Agreement is found to be unenforceable, such
provision shall be deemed modified to the extent necessary to allow enforceability of the provision as
so limited. BINDING EFFECT. This Agreement shall be binding upon and inure to the benefit of
the parties hereto, their successors, legal representatives and assigns, subject to the provisions of this
agreement.
19. LAW GOVERNING. This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the State of New York,
without regarding to its conflicts of laws principles.

I _________________ (the leaser) hereby agree to the above lease agreement . I am at least eighteen years of age.


HENS2RENT
Schedule 1
2014
Rent your complete poultry package-
6 month lease- $50.00/month
Free delivery within a twenty mile radius of Arkport, Hornell, Canaseraga, and Bath,
50 cents a mile for further delivery.
Package includes-
A chicken tractor (movable chicken coop)(coops will vary)
2 laying hens
Feed, bedding, waterer, feeder
Expert advice
Deposit: of $100 when signing and returning the lease agreement
Balance: due upon delivery
Option to buy after lease is up: Complete package for $225

NAME__________________________
ADDRESS________________________
TELEPHONE______________________
DELIVERY DATE____________________- (WEEKDAY MORNINGS OR WEEKENDS)
DELIVERY TIME____________________

[Chimo]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,
"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."



This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over...

.....and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced
'quiche'."

[groverwa]

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and that I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing "when to come in out of the rain", "why the early bird gets the worm", "life isn't always fair" and "maybe it was my fault".

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live when religions became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; "I Know my Rights", "Someone Else is to Blame" and "I am a Victim".

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Anon

[groverwa]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[Lancair]

Just bought the latest cell-phone, made in Malaysia, put it in 'Flight Mode' and now I can't find the bugger.

[littlejim]

It's all the go to 'see Jesus' in things like the Shroud of Turin, this dog owner spotted him on his hound.
dogsb.jpg

[sparkyice]

well, he's out of the bathroom now...

[sparkyice]

Ball Point Pens -

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $2 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[scottar]

Ball Point Pens -

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and $2 billion developing a pen that writes in zero
gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Yup. But it was probably that same attitude that gave us Chernobyl.

[groverwa]

Dad's I pad.


Watch the following short clip, it takes less than a minute.



A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen.



She asks: "Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new



iPad we gave you for your birthday?"

This clip is spoken in German but it's totally understandable in any language.

http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965

[Gon Fishun]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[groverwa]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

[Chimo]

God Loves Drunk People Too



A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.



The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"


He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.


"Did you help him?" she asks.


"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people too you know."


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"


"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.


"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.