Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #4426

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

    you don't pay 200 bucks for having a lentil on your forehead!

  2. #4427

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the girl you were with?"

    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Nina Capelli?"

    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

  3. #4428

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    This asked me to add 10 characters otherwise it wouldn't show the picture. (That's more than 10 so hope it works.)

    Attachment 101452

  4. #4429
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What could go wrong.......................

  5. #4430

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    thanks Chim, had a bit of fun getting something to appear, will have a good shufti at that stuff before the next go.

  6. #4431

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  7. #4432

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

    They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

    After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
    "Wow, She's fat!”

    The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

    A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
    As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

    The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

    The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

    After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

    Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

    The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"
    Last edited by Lucky_Phill; 08-04-2014 at 05:21 PM.

  8. #4433

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Did You Know This About Leather Dresses??

    Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
    a man's heart beats quicker,

    his throat gets dry,
    he gets weak in the knees,

    and he thinks irrationally?
    Ever wonder why?











    It's because she smells like a New Truck!!

  9. #4434

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    what do you call a kiwi flying an airplane?





    a pilot, you racist bastard!
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  10. #4435
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    What could go wrong.......................

  11. #4436

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. ...

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    EDITOR'S NOTE:
    Ron died suddenly on May 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his anus with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his own golf club.

  12. #4437

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    did you know if you say "Gullible" very slowly it sounds like you're saying "Green Beans"?
    standing on a bridge
    watching water rushing under-
    neath it must have been much harder
    when there was no bridge just water

  13. #4438
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be.

    What a great use of words and creativity!!!


    An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :

    This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

    Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
    reputation, who can cook frogs
    legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
    schia garden, classic music and tal-
    king without getting too serious.

    Interested?
    Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
    still interested?
    Call me at...... 8250-0327
    What could go wrong.......................

  14. #4439

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Drinking problem
    Our grandmothers had a genuine knowledge of staying healthy naturally.

    My grandmother lectured me about her practical knowledge:

    "For better digestion I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine,
    with low blood presure I favour red wine, for high blood pressure I reach
    for the cognac and whenever I have a heavy cold I drink lots of Vodka"

    I asked, "And when do you drink water Grandma?"

    She replied, "I have never been that sick".


  15. #4440

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Punography
    Saw these on another forum and thought you might enjoy them.

    1.) I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.
    2.) When chemists die….They barium.
    3.) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    4.) A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran
    5.) I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.
    6.) How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.
    7.) I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….The it dawned on me.
    8.) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.
    9.) I’m reading a book about inti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.
    10.) I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.
    11.) They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.
    12.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    13.) PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !
    14.) Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.
    15.) Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.
    16.) Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.
    17.) I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.
    18.) How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.
    19.) What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.
    20.) When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.
    21.) What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.
    22.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.
    23.) Broken pencils are pointless.
    24.) Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.
    25.) England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    26.) I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    27.) I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    28.) All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
    29.) I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    30.) Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
    31.) Velcro — what a rip off!
    32.) A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
    33.) Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    34.) The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
    35.) Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Join us