Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[littlejim]

Hey man, dis da search enjin fo' all da bro'.
http://www.gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php
Den yo ken tarp in ausfish man.

[littlejim]

[Chimo]

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[ozynorts]

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What’s the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What’s the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

[JohnWard]

I fully apologise that this is my first joke contribution...
Why don't seagulls live in the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.

[Gon Fishun]

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.

[Axl]

Seniors.....

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[groverwa]

Seniors Bridal Register

Dennis, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Airdrie, are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Dennis suggests they go in.

Dennis addresses the man behind the counter : "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Dennis : "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."

Dennis : "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Dennis : "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist : "Definitely."

Dennis: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist : "You bet!"

Dennis: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Dennis : "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist : "Absolutely."

Dennis : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist : "We sure do."

Dennis : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."

Dennis : "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist : "Sure."

Dennis : " We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[groverwa]

Man of Means

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"

[sparkyice]

my cousin liked to brag about having the biggest willie in his 4th grade class. i could understand his pride in this, if he were'nt the only one with a driver's license as well.

[littlejim]

Attachment 99977
for the enthusiast.

[gr hilly]

joke.jpg ha ha ha

[groverwa]

The Squeeze

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money


Many people had tried .... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.


One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."


After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.


As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Taxation Department

[Lancair]