Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[wayno60]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all so...rts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got,you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

[groverwa]

A Tap on the Shoulder...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[groverwa]

A man's age & Bunnings

Man's age as determined by a trip to Bunnings.


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.

You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch,
old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what
and an old pair of old tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.


Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your
teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne, because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in
the checkout lane.
And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much
else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror.
Still got it..
Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a
trip to Bunnings.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got
Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes.
The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so
you are not sure.


In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing.
Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are
hanging out the hole in your crotch.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing.
Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around
trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you?
Who farted?

[Chimo]

I wasn't sure whether it should go here or Politics or "Darwin's Evolution Explained" but thats a thread Steve is yet to introduce, Mods Please consider Thanks ........ https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater

[Chimo]

Further to the Evolution theme, we could all learn from this example, take curry for example..........

The bar and a monkey...
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off
the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow
swallowed it whole.The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your
Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey
ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it,
stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt,
pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass
that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Lancair]

[Chimo]

A Doctor was addressing an audience at my local club.
"Years ago, the foods we put into our stomachs would have been enough to have killed most of us sitting here if not for medicine".
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water".
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have probably eaten it, or will eat it".
He then asked the audience if anyone could name the food that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it.
A guy in the audience jumed up and yelled “Wedding Cake.”

[groverwa]

My son's first alcoholic drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters - he didn't like it
so I drank it.
Next I offered him a Carlsberg, he didn't like that either so I drank
that one as well.
In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky
and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram

[solemandownunder]

My son's first alcoholic drink

I took my son out for his first pint. Got him a Fosters - he didn't like it
so I drank it.
Next I offered him a Carlsberg, he didn't like that either so I drank
that one as well.
In desperation I gave him four other brands of beer, then a whisky
and two others that I can't remember. I drank them all.

By the time we got home I was barely able to push the pram

I'll admit....THAT one took me a sec....

[wayno60]

Always Tell the Truth
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
...
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Chimo]

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[littlejim]

The Golden Bar

The next morning wifey was a bit cheesed off with hubby who had overdone it with the re-union he had attended the night before, and told him so.



“I couldn’t help it” he said, “we found this unusual place on the other side of town called the ‘Golden Bar’. Everything there was gold; the floor was gold, the chairs and tables were gold, the bar was gold, the ceiling was gold, even the urinal was gold.”



“I’ll find them in the phone book and you can confirm it yourself.”



Wife rings and asks” is that the Golden Bar?”

“yes.”

“Is the floor golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the furniture golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the bar golden?”

“Yes.”

“Is the urinal golden?”





She heard a hand go over the mouthpiece, and a muffled voice say “ hey Frank, I think we’ve got a lead on the bloke who peed into the saxophone!”

[Chimo]

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle o.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"(Spoken like a true Aussie)

[Chimo]

Must Like Dogs!

http://distractify.com/fun/humor/sco...on-the-planet/

[Chimo]

Beware, Death Can Happen When You Least Expect It.!

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.